(11-02-2017, 10:17 AM)yellowdog Wrote: [ -> ]Thanks everyone, my mother is in a better frame of mind now and yes I am fortunate she is still alive and their will be a day when she is not.
sorry for your loss cricket and thanks for reminding me that it could be a lot worse.
i need to keep myself in a good mental state for BOTH of us.
There is an old song with the lyrics " you will never niss your mothers love until she is burried beneath the clay" its a morbid but lovely folk song, i cant recall who sang it, but it really its home.
And
Hi Dog
I know everyone's experience is different and I can only reflect on mine. I well know how tryin' it can be, but we have to try and realize their pain and illness is probably the cause for their actions. Deep down, I'm sure you know your mom really loves you and doesn't mean most of what she says. I know it's tuff for you to be the one to take the brunt of it, but hang in there. YOU will be the one most blessed for takin' care of her needs.
Just hope you can find a way thru the hard times. Like I said, when their gone, try not to have any regrets in knowin' YOU did all you could to make things easier for her.
We're always here when things get tuff and you need to vent. Take it out on us, not her. That's why we're all here.
Good luck
Cricket
Hi Yellowdog,
My thoughts are with you - that is so difficult when an elderly parent pushes your buttons.
My parents are in their 80s, and both have had serious health problems (strokes, heart attacks, broken neck). They have system in their home with a small red button they carry that if they have an accident it will summon help. Depending on what is going on they can send an ambulance, call trusted neighbours with keys to the house, and eventually me. But I live 140 miles away. To US friends that might not sound too bad, but I have to make the journey using public transport and it takes four hours.
My mom wears her red button on a bracelet next to her watch. My Dad refuses to wear his button. I say, "what if you slipped and broke your hip?" and he comes up with something about how he'd just use the phone (landline, not mobile). I think wearing the button is an admission of getting older, but he is 87!
I've tried telling him how worried I am, and that knowing he had his red button would make me sleep better at night. Yes, that's emotional blackmail, but I've tried all the rational arguments.
The whole thing seems to lead to clashes with my sisters and brother. They love him too, but I'm 20 years younger than them so even though I'm in my late 30s and have an important job, they still see me as a kid.
Families are just SO complicated aren't they?
All I can do is make sure that every time I say goodbye to one of my parents I tell them I love them. One day it will be the last time and I want to know the last thing they heard me say was that I love them.
Sorry if that is a bit morbid!
Best wishes,
barq
Taking care of your elderly parents is a heroic thing to do. Unfortunately it usually falls upon one member of the family. Of course, our parents took care of us when we were young, so I believe they deserve special care when they are old and on their own.
Many an Irish lad and lassie has sung this to his/ her child. It is a glorious song and so so true. If you want, just do a g00gle search for a "mother's love is a blessing."
Irish Folksongs - A Mothers Love Is A Blessing
An Irish boy was leaving
Leaving his native home
Crossing the broad Atlantic
Once more he wished to roam
And as he was leaving his mother
While standing on the Quay
He threw his arms around her waist
And this to her did say..
Chorus:
"A mother's love is a blessing
No matter where you roam
Keep her while she's living
You'll miss her when she's gone
Love her as in childhood
When feeble, old, and grey
For you'll never miss a mother's love
'Til she's buried beneath the clay"
And as the years grow onward
I'll settle down in life
And I'll choose a nice young colleen
And take her for my wife
And as the kids grow older
They'll play around my knee
And I'll teach them the very same lesson
That my mother taught to me
MoodPoint.com Lyrics
"A mother's love is a blessing, No matter where you roam, Keep her while she's living, You'll miss her when she's gone.
Love her as in childhood, When feeble, old, and grey, For you'll never miss a mother's love, 'Til she's buried beneath the clay"
That's beautiful Charon. Thanks for reciting it for us. This has been a really hard year for me with the loss of my Father in March, The loss of my last, and most favorite, Uncle in August, and the loss of a close friend early in October. They all lived long, productive lives which made things a bit easier, but regardless of their age, the sense of loss can still be profound.
Dementia can play a major role in the end stage of life. It is a hard thing to sort through. With my Father, it was particularly difficult to deal with. He could be downright mean to my Mother, dangerously reckless with finances, and just plain nasty to me and my siblings. The result - your range of emotions can run anywhere from just wanting to kill him in order to put an end to the suffering that he is putting everyone through - to sitting quietly alone with him talking about how great he had made family life for us when we were younger and how much we appreciated how hard he worked to give our family a good life.
I only have my Mother left now from my Parent's generation. Thankfully she is healthy, her mind is sharp, and she is still planning for the future. I'm her errand boy and I enjoy every inconvenience she sends my way. God Bless her. Everyday that I awake and she is still part of my life is a good day!
Raven
(11-14-2017, 04:27 PM)Charon Wrote: [ -> ]Many an Irish lad and lassie has sung this to his/ her child. It is a glorious song and so so true. If you want, just do a g00gle search for a "mother's love is a blessing."
Irish Folksongs - A Mothers Love Is A Blessing
An Irish boy was leaving
Leaving his native home
Crossing the broad Atlantic
Once more he wished to roam
And as he was leaving his mother
While standing on the Quay
He threw his arms around her waist
And this to her did say..
Chorus:
"A mother's love is a blessing
No matter where you roam
Keep her while she's living
You'll miss her when she's gone
Love her as in childhood
When feeble, old, and grey
For you'll never miss a mother's love
'Til she's buried beneath the clay"
And as the years grow onward
I'll settle down in life
And I'll choose a nice young colleen
And take her for my wife
And as the kids grow older
They'll play around my knee
And I'll teach them the very same lesson
That my mother taught to me
MoodPoint.com Lyrics
That brings back some memories. my mum and DAD used to sing that to me and from an early age I worried about her dying.
There is just somethng about a mothers love that makes it hard to let go off
Yes that is so true Yellowdog
Good luck to you Dog
At the moment she is pretty chill, she has " episodes" when she can be very nasty and hurtful, I also think she must be very frustrated as she is no longer that mobile and has to rely on others quite a lot.
When she gets nasty I bite my tongue and try not to let it get to me
Someone told me that it is VERY common for people to feel guilty when dealing with elderly parents.
I am spending xmas with her and going back "home" for 5 days so I can spend some quality time, I hate to sound morbid but I worry this maybe the last.
Thank you all for your support
and Charnon thanks for providing they lyrics, can I ask how you become aware of that song? My parents are Irish so I heard that song a lot, I thought it was only popular within Irish families.
Good luck to all that is going through a similar thing.
I am gaelic. And, i also suffered at the hands of a mother whom did not want her two youngest children. Cruel does not describe her. But, I decided to teach my parents unconditional love. It took till her deathbed for her to realize that I was the child whom loved her.
Bite your tongue. Irish have a very hard time showing love. They act so damned tough. It is pick yourself up by your bootstraps and don't let me hear u cry. Ever. Pretty sure my grandmother treated my mother this way.
And, the Irish are so good with cruelty of the tongue. Especially if they drink. But also, they do not want help. Me mother was secretly so grateful to me. When I brought her home to die, cancer, I had completely emptied an extra bedroom on the bottom floor and made it a hospital room. She cried. I thought she was gonna hit me. But she was so happy. Cuz i set up the room which had a bathroom if she could walk to it. And a chair by the bed in case she could not. So, she insisted on being helped up even hours before her death. So she could use the ladies room. She would not accept help.
But the thing is, I know I never reacted in kind to the way i was treated. I learned to forgive as my parents did horrific things to me. And, as they died I knew they loved me.
but i am waiting till i meet them again in heaven. then i shall hear them say: I love you. I never heard those words from either of my parents.
A lot of this is an Irish upbringing. It can be so hard. But, please keep biting that tongue cuz i don't think she can help it. And, it will hurt you if you are not able to show her kindness and love. Even if she cannot show same to you yet.
A real Irish upbringing is not for the overly sensitive. But love her while you can. It will make you an even better and stronger person. And, you will have no regrets should she pass.
You sound very wise. But, they are only words. Meant to hurt but don't let them. Other relatives told me my mother was treated in a similar fashion growing up. I don't think she could help it. And, I miss her desperately so many years later.
I like to believe both my parents did the best they could. And that was good enough for me. And, I have enough love for others that I love them. still. All bad memories i long ago deleted from my heart and soul.
You are doing the right thing, for you and for your mom.