Being a true friend: helping with bereavement

[barq2]

One of my closest friends of 20 years had her father die yesterday. His health was poor, but he died very suddenly. I knew her father well, we'd have a chat, and went camping as a small group a few times. He was an incredibly kind man.

Sadly lots of us on this forum have lost people, so please can I draw on your collective wisdom? What have friends done that eased the pain or helped in some way? Conversely do you think there are things not to do (even if they are well-intended)?

Since this is the Lounge, let's try to focus on the positives and how people can show themselves to be a true friend at a time of loss. Looking for heart-warming stories that might inspire me to help someone else.

[happyvibe]

I think personally for me when someone acknowledges a loss even in a small way with a simple text like “hey. Thinking of you”, “sending prayers” “Let me know if you need anything” it goes a long way.

When you lose someone close to you or they get sick it really feels like the world has shattered and will never be the same and I want everyone to know how amazing this person was. My best friend lost her mom and I was very close to her. She loves it when I reminisce with her about stories from our youth and funnny stories involving her mom and our antics. It’s my way of paying homage to her mom and keeping her memory alive

Hope this helps.

[Roses]

Im very sorry for your loss barq.....

My dad passed 2 yrs ao & I made a tread about it ere. Te responses I ot ere from everyone was very elpful to me. Actually, it elped more tan I tout possible. Just bein able to talk about it elped immensly . And earin ow oter people andled a deat in teir family or friends elped me. Losin my dad was te worst tin tat ever appened to me & like appyvibe said it elps wen oters just send a simple messae askin ow I was.

I would say to just let your friend know you are tere for tem......And just listen wen your friend wants to talk & remininsce.

Best wises barq.....

[barq2]

Thanks Roses and Happyvibe - that helps. Roses, I remember now reading about your Dad passing. I think we are on the same side of the Atlantic, so I always spot your posts. How are you doing 2 years on?

You've both confirmed what I thought, but I just wasn't sure. Glad to say the "thinking of you" message from me to my friend expanded into going for a meal in a few days time. I think that's good for her to get out of the house filled with people mourning. As she put it, having a little break from being sad. So I think my role is to provide distraction for a bit.

I'm naturally upset, but coping. My issue is that I know I'll lose my Dad in the not too distant future, so this has an extra resonance.

The only time I nearly lost it was when someone at work who knew about this (she'd seen me crying), then got really critical and pedantic on me about something. I reminded her why I was very upset and possibly not 100% at work. I ended up warning her that if she continued poking me like that she might get a response she wouldn't like. I'm normally very polite, but I can occasionally go thermonuclear (maybe once every five years, not often). She was very close to getting the hydrogen bomb experience.

Someone else suggested that Ursula Le Guin's Earthsea novels help with mourning. Le Guin does this dualism thing... there is no light without dark, no life without death, no love without loss. I've made it sound a bit nihilistic, but she is more comforting than that. For my friend, she is upset because she loved her dad. That love was a good thing.

Anyway, films, books, philosophy about death and grief are all welcome.

[Roses]

ello barq, Im very sorry tat your dad isnt doin well. Spend as muc time wit im as you possibly can. You wont reret te time spent wit im.

I was in bad sape wen my wonderful dad passed. Tat lasted about 1 1/2 yrs were I wasnt cryin constatly. Tese days I miss im terribly but my sister & I can talk about im & lau about old times. Tese olidays comin up are very ard because my dad was really into te oliday food & e loved to celebrate te olidays. I avent put up a Xmas tree since e died. But tis year I tink I will. My dad wouldnt like me to still be in mournin.

Te posts te members made ere elped me so muc & I found I wasnt alone in ow I was feelin. avin so many reac out to me wit offers to talk anytime is wat elped me te most....

Anytime you want to talk or vent feel free to pm me barq.....

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Tese are some quotes  tat I found to be true......

[barq2]

Thanks Roses - that's very thoughtful of you.

Obviously my friend's father dying (who was my friend too) feels like the forerunner to my own father's death - it is when not if.

Anyway, I took my friend out for a meal. She was emotional and cried a little, but we also managed to laugh. I think her getting outside the house of grief for a couple of hours was good for her.