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Depressed about the end of a relationship
#1
I am in love with someone, and we don't really have anything in common.  We come from different countries, have vastly different opinions on things...yet I still love him.  Anyone been in this situation before?  Seems pretty likely that we will not last very long (It's been about 6 months now.) Do I just l just let this go?  I really hate being alone.
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#2
(11-05-2019, 02:49 PM)MrFussbudget Wrote: I am in love with someone, and we don't really have anything in common.  We come from different countries, have vastly different opinions on things...yet I still love him.  Anyone been in this situation before?  Seems pretty likely that we will not last very long (It's been about 6 months now.) Do I just l just let this go?  I really hate being alone.

If you feel good being with this person , and if the person feel the same, why not ? The only thing that really matter with a partner , is being there with the other need it . For have things in common and same opinions , you have friends .
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#3
No one's idea of an expert on relationships...ask around.

My new rule of personal relationship is do they make me feel comfortable around them? If yes then it really does not matter to my life if I agree with the about everything or how often we see each other is it good for me and my well-being?  Does their being in my life make me happier or is it too much work or makes me feel bad?

If I get along with them that is enough at this point-love can be a painful myth.  How about does this person make my life tolerable?

Aren't I a romantic-but this is what I now believe.  Chasing "love" can make you sick-but sometimes it is worth it just not to me anymore.
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#4
Seems like good advice from others.

Firstly, I get what you mean and the pain it causes. I have an unfortunate habit of falling in love with people who are unavailable, or we briefly get together and then they go back to a pre-existing relationship.

I would have a think about why you fear being alone. Maybe you could decide to spend time cultivating friendships. Humans need people to whom they feel psychologically close - that's a basic need and friends can fill that role. There is no law that says you have to be in a relationship! Right now I am single and I'll tell you there are advantages... I don't have to coordinate my diary with someone else the whole time, I can do what I like when I like, I can eat whatever I choose. Since I'm very self-critical I'm working on that because I think until I'm more comfortable with myself, it is difficult for others to be in a relationship with me. So by being single I can do some self-improvement and hopefully that will pay off at some point in the future with a better quality relationship. Even if it doesn't I'll still like myself more, so it is win/win. So if you do end up single for a while please don't treat it as a disaster - there are some benefits, especially if you look for them.

You seem to have a difficult decision, so you might try writing a list of pros and cons of staying in the relationship. Another trick is to toss a coin to chose for you - I'm totally serious. Lets say the coin toss indicates you should break up, now how do you feel and what is your immediate emotional response? Is it relief or a terrible sense of loss? Going the other way, if the coin says stay in the relationship, how does that make you feel? I know the coin toss sounds like a heartless joke, but it can help bring your true emotions to the surface.

Good luck!
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#5
I can’t believe I’ve missed these wonderful responses. I forgot about this thread! Thank you for the kind and thoughtful insight. It’s become clear that we are not going to work out. I haven’t cut this person out of my life completely, but I have spent some quality time being alone and also getting some distance from the situation (which took a dramatically bad turn through November & December.) I’ve only been in long relationships, so being single and alone has always felt scary and uncomfortable. Unfortunately I’ve also distanced myself from some beloved family/friends during this time but I’m starting to reconnect and I know they understand. Life is too short not to embrace it every day and to really love yourself as much as others. January 1st I took myself on a date to a movie I’d been really excited to see. (I never wanted to go alone to a movie.) The movie was just what I hoped. It was the perfect way to start the new year—feeling truly happy with my own company and more confident in my choices.
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#6
Glad you came back to it! ;-)

You know what, going to see movies on my own is my secret pleasure. I can see whatever I want. Before I was unceremoniously dumped by my ex, I had to sit through some terrible movies because that's what my ex wanted. What did you go and watch on 1st Jan?

I'm still single since I last posted on this thread, but it's not like I've tried to start a relationship. Still doing some self-improvement and then we'll see. If I'm consciously looking for someone it inevitably doesn't work, I probably smell of desperation! ;-) But when I relax and don't worry about my single status, that's when people seem to come into my life.

Make the most of being single. It isn't perfect, but it has some benefits. Go tick some things off your "bucket-list". :-)

Best of luck.
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#7
I have to make a big confession to you, barq. There was a period of time last year where I wondered if you and this person were one and the same. And not at all from any of the negative comments in my original post (i.e. "have nothing in common" and "vastly different opinions.") It was the way you discussed your job, your nationality, talking about the EXACT same news, food, personal history--everything! Often on the very heels of an extremely similar real-life conversation. Many times about something I had never heard of before the conversations/posts. Eventually things stopped matching up at all and it became plain that you were 2 separate individuals. My fun theory was shot down for good.

But even just from your previous post "You know what, going to see movies on my own is my secret pleasure. I can see whatever I want. Before I was unceremoniously dumped by my ex, I had to sit through some terrible movies because that's what my ex wanted." I kid you not, it's all extremely similar in wording, situations, and certainly in preferences. But after the last two months of pretty bad real-life experiences, only you, barq, still come across as clear-headed and composed. Qualities I initially thought you shared, but quite far from actual behavior I've now had to endure.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit, but the movie was Little Women. A story that's been regurgitated for 150+ years. But I'm a big fan of Greta Gerwig's work and the cast she assembled for this film was stellar--as were all aspects of the production. It was nominated today for a best picture oscar, but unfortunately Greta Gerwig did not get a best director nomination.
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#8
No matter the case no contact is the best solution to be able to move on no matter how hard it seems. I had a gf I was so sad and obsessed with for about a full year after breaking up. Then I met someone else who was a million times better and had a great 3 year relationship with, but that is long gone too now. Neither one bothers me any more, and the one that I was chasing for the entire next year really has become a completely irrelevant person. As hard as it sounds you need to let it go and live life until you eventually meet the next.
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#9
(01-13-2020, 09:26 PM)MrFussbudget Wrote: I have to make a big confession to you, barq. There was a period of time last year where I wondered if you and this person were one and the same. And not at all from any of the negative comments in my original post (i.e. "have nothing in common" and "vastly different opinions.") It was the way you discussed your job, your nationality, talking about the EXACT same news, food, personal history--everything! Often on the very heels of an extremely similar real-life conversation. Many times about something I had never heard of before the conversations/posts. Eventually things stopped matching up at all and it became plain that you were 2 separate individuals. My fun theory was shot down for good.

But even just from your previous post "You know what, going to see movies on my own is my secret pleasure. I can see whatever I want. Before I was unceremoniously dumped by my ex, I had to sit through some terrible movies because that's what my ex wanted." I kid you not, it's all extremely similar in wording, situations, and certainly in preferences. But after the last two months of pretty bad real-life experiences, only you, barq, still come across as clear-headed and composed. Qualities I initially thought you shared, but quite far from actual behavior I've now had to endure.

I'm a little embarrassed to admit, but the movie was Little Women. A story that's been regurgitated for 150+ years. But I'm a big fan of Greta Gerwig's work and the cast she assembled for this film was stellar--as were all aspects of the production. It was nominated today for a best picture oscar, but unfortunately Greta Gerwig did not get a best director nomination.

Sorry I didn't reply to this sooner. I read it, but was super-busy at work and just didn't get a chance. You had a really interesting theory (!), but as you already suspect, I'm not that person. Actually I haven't been in a relationship for a few years. I wonder if there are ways of talking that are perhaps common to people in my profession? I guess the things that make me similar to your ex perhaps make me sound like them?

I hope you don't mind, but your theory made me laugh. Obviously I'm not laughing at your depression from the end of a relationship, but the theory I was the same as your ex was sort of funny for me. I hope it didn't make things worse for you? BTW if you ever want to send me a private message so you can once and for all confirm I'm not this person you mentioned then that's totally fine... i.e. I'd reveal more about who I am in a private space rather than where it is open to all - I'm sure you understand.

BTW How did your theory about me first come about? Was it literally me using similar phrases to your ex? In some senses a lot of what we say is based on what we've heard others say/write. I think it was Derrida who described people's language as a "tissue of quotations" and I agree in the sense that I believe most people are far less original, or individual, than they might imagine.

"Little Women" got good reviews didn't it? Last movie I saw was a re-showing of "Dunkirk" in IMAX format. It made me very excited about Christopher Nolan's next film... I heard he was filming stunt sequences and car chases in reverse, so obviously doing that Nolan thing of playing with time. I'm a bit of a fan boy as I was in the right place at the right time to see Nolan directing part of Dunkirk right up close. Over the years I've been on a few film sets (it was what I wanted as a career before going in a different direction). I was surprised just how hands-on Nolan was. Most big directors tend to be miles away in a tent watching a screen with the video coming off the camera and then using a radio to send instructions. Instead he was right there, going around and talking to actors, camera operators, the focus puller etc. There, I said I was a fan boy! ;-) All that said, Dunkirk could hardly be more different to Little Women - most obviously Dunkirk's almost total absence of women.
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