DW,
You are very welcome and it does sound like you have a handle on what is best for you and your family in the here and now. As l mentioned, we have some very thoughtful listeners here who are more than happy to lend an ear and respond to any questions, concerns, moments of weakness that you may have.
Be well, Rumor
DW,
I think you are making the right decision at this time. I have loved and dealt with several addicts and it is okay to forgive and detach with love.
Addicts are extremely manipulative! I know you love her very much, but sometimes you have to let them be - for their own good and yours!
It broke my heart but this is what I had to do!
A heart aching from pain and suspicion is a warning....listen to it....but don't act.
A heart aching from joy is another matter entirely....listen to it and act on it.
So many gave u awesome answers. I am here if u need me, Dancing Wolf.
But, protect your heart and ur health now. You can love the child forever. But, please, as u feel, its too dangerous now for u to open ur home, ur address, ur life to her at this point, IMHO.
We are all here for you. To listen. I think you gave yourself the best answers in your original post.
I must agree with ur wisdom.
Never second guess yourself on this. Right now, she is potentially a threat to ur well being. We cannot have that.
You can love someone but not allow them back in ur life.
Interesting post
for me, it all depends on what they did to me.
I generally am a forgiving person, but I need to know if those people feel REMORSE
as I am getting older, I try and rise above it all and not let lit get to me.
the old saying " living well is the best response" is very true.
The adage is: living well is the best revenge. muahhh.
I just learned at a very young age, that if i were to survive, i had to forgive people as they hurt me. When the time came I would do my best to get outta Dodge and into a better situation.
But, some people are toxic. We can be here for them if they need us for love and hugs and prayer but not for monies for unacceptable things.
Just for me, If i want to be forgiven by God for all i have done, I must forgive people whom do wrong to me. Vengence is mine sayeth the lord.
I knew i took this off topic. But, regret and remorse can make us sicker. No purpose to them. But, distance from toxic people is often necessary.
This has moved on a bit since the original post, but I hope you are ok Dancing Wolf. Sounds like you've already gone way beyond the call of duty. There comes a point where you can't give more, and you can't make yourself vulnerable again, especially if you've other responsibilities/stuff going on.
Although I'm not big on graphology, I tend to agree with your point that her short letter doesn't suggest any real insight into what she did. If I'd wronged you the way she did, it would be a much longer letter. It would apologize more sincerely and probably explain a lot more.
Since this thread as sort of moved in a more philosophical direction I'd say I'm one of those who will forgive, but doesn't forget. The flip side of that is if you do right by me then I'll be your most loyal friend. To forgive but not forget means not being fooled again. What I don't do is endlessly bring up whatever the person did. If you have forgiven it, sincerely forgiven it, then you don't use it as a weapon in arguments. But if someone basically goes and does the same thing again, then it might be relevant.
About eight years ago I had to cut someone very close to me out my life. She wasn't a bad person and in her way loved me. But she created such drama. Several times I was close to breaking from the strain and eventually I realised where all this chaos was coming from. My psychology professor once used the term "physic vampire" and I think that's what some people are.
The difficult thing about the situation at the start, and something lots of people will identify with, is that if you love someone, you make yourself vulnerable. You extend your sense of self to include them. When they violate that it damages you.
HI DW,
I know this is an older point, but my heart sunk when I read your post. I hope you life is enriched with love
now that it's been awhile. I try to think what I would do in that person's feet. I would try to convince the saintly woman that helped shape my life that I was drug free and a working member of society, along with a good mother
with Employer's name or at least talk about job. Maybe schools/daycares the children attend But you say her letter was unimforming and cold (don't remember exacts words) I would approach with caution - she should understand
that SHE must earn your trust, again.
My oldest most wonderful, helpful, charming daughter was supposed to get married last year @24 to a wonderful young man, who had a nice family/family values, a good job and was a very hard worker. They were 2gether for 31/2 years Some time b4 the wedding was supposed to happen, we're putting money down on church, reception, flowers, food, etc. She joins a health club, where her fiance' didn't want to because he worked long hours.
So you can imagine, she meets a 10 year older man, two children by two marriages, and STILL married, but he
tells my naive daughter, they are basically roomates. (heard that before) & he has physical custody of one of the children. So I found out (long story, I like detective work) and confronted her. She took all her belongings and moved into a GF's house, called off the wedding and this past labor day, her and HIM moved in 2gether. This was 11 mth ago, when it started. I don't know and don't ask anything about him, When she's here, we never mention HIM. I could go on and on about this, but it's add to my already sky high anxiety.
My point in this story was that I"m disappointed in my daughter and that's not a good place to be. She was such a genuine beautiful person in and out. She was my right hand man (I have limitations) So it's a depressing place for me. Several times before they moved in together, she would be over here in tears saying "it's over" but wouldnt say why and I never did find out. So that went from it's over to now theyre living 2 gether! I don't get it, but I can't let it consume me, she's an adult.
I'm truly sorry for you and I hope your relationship starts to heal. Proceed slowly and w/caution, because I was let down the handful of times she told me it was over and she went back
Let me know how you are........
It's much easier to forgive than it is to forget.
I forgave my sister a long time ago for the hell she put me through when we were growing up...and tried to carry on doing so afterwards.
But there are just so many times you can make overtures of friendship and have it thrown right back in your face each time.
I came to a point in my thirties when I had to move on. I'd been rebuffed so often by her I was losing my own self esteem.
So I forgave her for all she'd done, but realised I couldn't like her, let along love her, and it was best I stayed out of her life...which is what she'd told me to do time and time again.
I've stopped feeling guilty about my decision. I have forgiven her, but I just can't forget.
But you just have to look around yourself and see all the people who matter and who love you and realise you can't be all that bad and also you can't 'win' 100% of the time when it comes to relationships.
We make our own "family" in life as we get older and they will be the ones who see you through the bad times.
You just have to move on to stay healthy and cherish all you love. IMHO.
All the best,
John
This whole thread has me in tears...
Dancing Wolf- there are no words. I thought I was Going to reply with some comment on how I went Through this and that. I got Nothing. I’m praying for you my friend.... much love there’s so many hear that will listen if you ever need an ear. I realize this post was awhile ago, but it touched my heart.
I spelled Here wrong... Jesus. Just so everyone knows I know The difference
between here and hear!
