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Hi Dancing Wolf, I can't be more sorry for your situation. So much hurt from a loved one. You've gotten such kind support and advice from this caring community. 

The thing that stuck out to me in your second post was when you said, "I don't feel any real sense of remorse, or even beginning of understanding what she did to us." That resonated with me because I often work with domestic violence victims. And what they really want most is not punishment or jail time for the abuser, but a sincere apology (how does one measure that) and a recognition of what the abuser did to the victim and her/his family and friends. The victim rarely gets that. It's easy to say "sorry," but to mean it, embrace it and be willing to change is another thing. 

Little off topic there. But, I think your decision to let it go for now and allow the universe to do its thing is a wise one indeed.

Sending healing energy your way!

(05-22-2016, 11:09 PM)Popster Wrote: [ -> ]Sounds like the end of this thread.......you don't need any advice from what I can read in your post

If that "note" didn't touch your heart........then your analysis of it is probably spot on.....Stay your course!

This.  Once I read your post, this was the only thing I could think of as an answer.  The Popster is wise.  Unless you feel true warmth in your heart to see her, more than likely, even if you just offered to meet at a coffee shop or something midway and far away from your home, she is wanting to be enabled.

Wow wolf, I was possessed by your story, a truly tragic and long series of events. I could never offer true advice pertaining to something of such important matters. We all have to find our way and discern on what is good for US and bad for US. Selflessness is of utmost importance in an otherwise selfish world, and from what I read you did do some wonderful things for a broken individual. I, in my own microscopic way, have had to deal with forgiveness too (no where near the magnitude of what you are dealing with). For a few years of my life I was emotionally manipulated by a sociopathic individual who really just made me feel like crap. Gaslighting, humiliation in front of others, mindgames, you name it it  happened. For a period of time I believed this individual to be my best friend, but he never was. After finally calling him out he immediately moved in, no coming back, and ofc he has moved onto other hapless victims to control. This is my experience in the realm of forgiveness and I still have yet to totally forgive this individual.
My father on the other hand has experience far more akin to your own. He grew up with a single mother and a half baby brother. His mother had psychosis, most likely similar to my own. She would terrify her children, physically and emotionally abuse them. Her brothers too would abuse them in every way imaginable, yes every way. When she died, he saw her convulsing to death on the ground, he was 12. He then moved on to live with an uncle of his and his family. The uncle had a son who treated my dad like dirt. When my dad was old enough he fled to the navy, his little brother soon to follow into the army. 
Years went by and his uncle's son contacted him. He was in a hard place, struggling for money and with crippling health conditions. My father did forgive him, and all his tormentors, even himself... but he never looked back and that whole hell show was left in the past. 
My point is that your relationship with this young woman seems to be very destructive. Your good deeds have been taken note of and personally I believe that this person is not salvageable. While I do ask for you to consider my idea, please, PLEASE make your own decision. Only you really know what is right for you and the ones close to you. Thank you.

There are some excellent comments here, and I appreciate each one. 


I hope this thread has helped others who struggle with letting go of toxic people they have in their lives.


Update is,  I did not respond to this person's letter or let her back into my life.

My grandson lives with me and, since I began this thread, he graduated high school, began college.
When I considered the many negative things that might happen with her around, I simply couldn't expose my grandson to her behavior and dysfunction.  She wasn't a risk I could take.

I still think about her sometimes, with deep, aching sorrow 
Remembering the beautiful little girl I loved.... I will always love and pray for her,
but she's not a little girl anymore.  She's 30 yrs old now.  
Sadly, I sense her life is not a good one and I sincerely wish I could change that,  but I cannot.
Her mother overdosed 5-6 years ago   (her father died when she was only 7)  
Then her brother, a sweet but frequently psychotic boy, committed suicide shortly after their mom died.
She has 4 children and all of them were taken away from her shortly after birth. 
I'm sure she needs someone to love and care about her...
I'll always wish this situation could have ended differently,
but I can't fix things for her anymore, she's not a child.

What a tragic story...
I feel sad beyond words,
thinking about her horrible life.
I still care about her,
forgave her many years ago,
no anger, just the loss and grief
but she always brings trouble and conflict with her, Drama
a restless needy dissatisfaction that is exhausting...
lacking insight into herself or how she affects others with her behavior.
Diagnosed as bipolar with a personality disorder,
and now long-term substance abuse problems



If I was healthy, maybe I could try to help her again,
but TBH I'm not much good for anything these days.
My condition continues to deteriorate.




Anyway,
Please use this thread as needed to discuss people you've forgiven or want to forgive, vent the hurt of betrayal by loved ones etc.
anything that helps someone else will make sharing this worthwhile to me.

Peace and love to all.

I ave an aunt (mom's sister). We were always very close, after I left home we were roommates and party friends. Then I got married and she got married, we stayed good friends though. Then thru some weird circumstances she lost a job she loved and she just kind of fell apart and was never the same. I knew she had mental issues in the past but they came back in full force. But she also started being a really shitty person. Taking terrible advantage of her parents (my grandparents) and just being a real jerk. Lots of things happened over the years and we just tried to move forward with our lives. She sent us a letter several years ago telling us what terrible people we were etc.

Then a few of years ago my grandparents were in a bad accident and needed lots of help. She wouldn't lift one finger to help them even though she lived around the corner from them in a house they bought for her so my mom moved from out of state to take care of them. They lived a couple of years but were never the same. She never went and visited them or did anything for them. We lived over 4 hours away and made regular visits to help out, I even took leave from work to help out and she did nothing. Then they passed. She made a huge scene at the funeral home screaming at DH that he wasn't worthy of being a pall bearer, yelled some things at me and then at the cemetery she threw a full blown tantrum beating on my best friends car window, screaming and shouting at people.

Then she started sending me text messages. She started out saying she missed me & our friendship & then it turned into horrible things about DH and they would go on and on for paragraphs. I never answered her. This went on for a while and finally I wrote her back and told her that I hoped she got the help she needed and that I was blocking her number. I wasn't mean at all, even signed it Love. Then I did block her number.

So this was 2 years ago. The other day on my mom's FB page on a post I had commented on she apologized to me and asked for forgiveness from DH and I. Said she wasn't doing well back then. It weighed on me long and hard. I'm not one of those people who believe you *have* to forgive & forget to move on. I think that varies by individual. Then I thought about what my mom and my grandpa would want me to do & I know they would want me to take the high road so I simply answered her and told her that the past was the past and I was leaving it there. She responded with Thank you. I was good with that and it being over. Then she sent me a message asking me about my dogs and I wasn't going to get involved in that. I have let my anger towards her go for all of the things she did but I am not bringing her toxicity back into my life so I just didn't answer her and haven't heard back since.

I'm good with that. I gave her her what she asked for, I haven't forgotten her actions and I don't want a relationship with her but I feel like maybe I gave her some peace.

i am sending so much empathy and love to all of you who have told your stories.  i've been betrayed as well, but not so terribly as so many of you, thank the goddess. my beautiful daughter's father decided, when i was 9 weeks pregnant, not to have anything to do with her, and got back with his ex who basically will not "allow" him to have anything but minimal contact, because she is jealous of me? or something? so insecure, i try to have compassion for her, but srsly i'm like: girl, this man is a coward and a piece of shit, trust me, i have ZERO desire to ever have someone like that in my life again... but she is like a scared child, both of them are. but what upsets me is that my happy, energetic, curious, brilliant, amazing 7 year old girl will, someday, start to ask "why didn't my daddy want/love me?" and she will suffer.  it is that future pain that makes me the most angry at him.  however, she has a great community of family, friends, extended family, etc here, and has always been loved, so i am hoping she will make it through it. and considering how her father is, it's probably better that she not be exposed to his toxic, borderline sociopathic ways.

the phrase that most helps me with forgiveness (and no, one can never forget, because remembering is a survival mechanism that ensures you stay safe, emotionally and physically) but re: forgiveness, is:  "resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die."

we forgive, not for the other person, but for ourselves.  so we can let the poison out of our systems.

OH! My heart goes out to everyone who wrote about their pain and to those who are still suffering in silent. I worked in mental health for 15 years as a therapist and all I have to offer is love and empathy. You have already been over all the logical, sensible and legitimate reasons to take a pass on a reunion. People often make decisions based on a combination of heart and head, feeling and thinking. Trust your head on this one. It sounds like you have already come at this issue from every angle. You must have a heart of gold, my dear! It sounds like this gal knows that and she has been successful in using your sincere and generous nature to get what she wants,....at your expense. Heart and Head, Heart and Head. Protect your kind heart.

thank you for posting swissmiss.

sounds wise to me.

This whole thread broke my heart.

I always heard in AA that resentment = I take poison and hope you die. It took, and still does, a long time for me to get there.

My first sponsor gave me this on a bookmark.... "Forgiveness is for our own growth and happiness. When we hold on to hurt, pain, resentment, and anger it harms us far more than it harms the offender. Forgiveness frees us to live in the present. ... Forgiveness allows us to move on without anger or contempt or seeking revenge."

The hardest thing I ever had to do was make non living amends with my father... years and years of pain I just could not let go of... like an old friend. I will share more on a better day.....