PTSD and Me

[Furyan66]

I have not been doing a whole lot of posting lately just a whole lot of emotions rolling around in my head after the passing of my uncle in late April and right after that finding out that my job now has an expiration date on it really created  lot more stress in my life, the kind of stress that having PTSD if I let this get to me I will end up right back in the hospital.

Damn this thing is like a horrible rollar coaster ride and I like roller coasters. LoL. With all the mood swings associated with  PTSD have really been kicking my butt for the last 6 weeks or so when I should be enjoying the summer.

It's something that's always going to be with me and I'm always going to have to fight it or control it would be a better word.  This time I have been having one hell of a time getting back into a positive mood. Doing a whole lot of breathing exercises, meditation and taking nice long walks listening to a mix of my over 5000 mp3's. Music also a savior and therapy I also use

PTSD will make you cry and just wanna curl up in a corner and die.
It Will take all of your willpower away from you to the point where you have to force yourself to do things that would normally be ordinary daily tasks.
Getting out Off bed, taking a shower hell just putting your shoes on all become major events.
Hell I stayed in bed for 2 days straight and did not even eat just because this thing takes your will to do things away from you. It makes you frankly just not care about yourself or the responsibilities that you have which is just a horrible feeling.

I am feeling a bit better or I would not even be posting this and I think it's time to grill a big old steak I just picked up and have a beer or 2 before work tomorrow.

Peace all and thanks to anyone who just reads this and listens....

[Charon]

Glad to see you able to post again. I shall always read and "listen"

May u be blessed with some comfort and peace today.

[Furyan66]

Fury you've had two major life events recently - your bereavement and the threat of loosing job - I think that would be very difficult for anybody - and you're also contending with PTSD - that's really hard.  

You may be having intrusive thoughts along with the mood swings - in the event you are having these thoughts do you think you might be able to contain them?   Have a container - to get rid of the thoughts so they are not in your head?

I agree music is very therapeutic - I'm listening to Thin Lizzy (God bless Mr Phil Lynott).  I pray this pain you've been through alleviates and you start eating meals every day, sleep at night and find some calm after the turmoil.  Sending best wishes,

Thanks Charon, I know you are always there to listen. You are the sweetest (Unless someone breaks the rules LOL)

Hey BlackSocks Thanks too for just reading. My psychologist told me that I have "racing thoughts" which is what you might be referring to. It's very difficult for me to just relax body and mind at the same time. I can get physically calmed down but my mind is still racing with thoughts.

Even when I sleep, I still have dreams 16 years later that are so vivid about the event which my Psychologist believes was the main triggering effect in my being diagnosed with PTSD. Strange thing with these dreams is that most of the time I am dreaming I am actually aware of the dream. It like part of my mind is still awake reminding me this is a dream.

Some say time heals all wounds..

I do not agree

Thanks all for caring

Peace all

[cmdline]

term used i think is lucid dreaming where one usually experiences either it in early stages of sleep, or just before waking up.Brains are amazing at that they can bring up events from decades ago and once you experience them its like being in the place at the time again.I used to have jolts just before falling asleep as if i was falling and would jump out of bed, what amazes me is the brain mechanism that locks body up that we wouldn't move or act out while we dream.

I know i had few experiences where you know your dreaming,usually not the best dreams and become aware yet feel like paralyzed to get up awake for few seconds until brains process it.

[Popster]

I sometimes experience those "jolts" that you speak of...don't understand them, but find them both frightening and fascinating.

[Linville]

Yeah , about those s jolts

I think , for me that they happen when I'm not prepared to sleep mentally or physically .

Had one well 2 in one night this week while sitting in chair falling asleep and just before I remember thinking I wish I was ready to turn in for the night.

Oh I'm sure a lot can be said on these....other things. cmdline
Nice discussion Fury and BlackSocks and all.

Hi Popster.

[cmdline]

think them jolts are combination of events since when it happens you sort of feel like drifting to sleep next thing it feels like your falling thus jump back to conscious.

Scary for me is sometimes id feel like i cant breath or drowning and for few seconds you feel desperate just to get awake,think i might have sleep apnea,thou im not even close to being overweight or unhealthy.

[Popster]

Yes like falling...that's the part that startles me...but in my case, they sometimes feel like Death, but I am not convinced they are like a bodily death...there is something more going on...and yes I do jump back to consciousness...when they occur I am very tired and sometimes keenly aware of them...I have been trying to "succumb" to them, to see what happens.....me, myself, the guinea pig.

[Furyan66]

Hi there Popster, CMD and Linville      Popster that sounds frightening - do you think it's anxiety or a neurological episode?  

CMD do you think you might have a comorbid condition that hasn't been diagnosed (have had the dream paralysis and the thinking I'm going to stop breathing).  Was diagnosed with a comorbid in addition to anxiety.  More recently, about a year ago got a book about managing ADD (am not diagnosed but wondered).  One of my siblings was diagnosed with ADD very recently and her psych is trying meds.  She thinks another Sib and myself    are ADD.

Fury I've read your thread - something terrible happened to you when your child was taken from you.  It was cruel and it wasn't in the best interests of this child.  The only thing I can say is she needs her Dad and has a Dad now, whatever wrongs were done previously.

Popster and Charon have made some very perceptive comments:  I agree with what Popster wrote that this issue with your job may very well be an opportunity.  As Charon noted you have attributes that will give you a good hand.  I think once word is out that you're available they'd be fools not to seriously consider you on their team.  

The anxiety, the attacks of depression you've been fighting off -  I think Nick was right - you need care with that level of pain.  This is a sort of container - but is it enough of a container at this instance?

Hey Blacksocks and all others...

Blacksocks you are totally correct when you say something terrible happened to me when my daughter was moved 350 miles away. This happened back in 2001. She was just over 2 years old and I remember her strapped in her car seat in the back of her mothers SUV pulling out of the driveway waving to me like she was just going to Walmart and she would be back in a few hours. Little did she know or could understand that she would never be coming back. I realized at that moment that I would never be able to be the full time father to her like I had in the previous 2 years and I was never going to experience any of the things I had pictured in my mind about the family we had just started. Taking her to school, Helping with homework, getting upset about her first boyfriend etc... I could go on forever with examples of things that I still dream about and wish I was able to experience and maybe even provide some advice to her when in fact I missed most all of it and can never get that time back. You would think that after 16 years it would get easier and the dreams would chill out a bit but It has never gotten any easier or better. I still have one main re occurring dream where as I mentioned earlier "my daughter is in her mothers SUV pulling out of the driveway waving to me". This is a dream that really stings.

I have just learned to live with it plain and simple but I fight it every single day.

The dreams sometimes are so crazy that part of your mind knows that you are dreaming and you are conscious while you are asleep. Not really sure how to explain it. Smells, tastes and just the way these dreams feel so real, like yesterday when it's been over 16 years. The mind iz truly amazing. It lets you remember and dream about things that keep you going while it also reminds you of the curve balls life can throw you but damn my soul is tired and I need a mental break...

Sorry for the rant

Peace all

[johnw4]

Now this is the best medicine for Anxiety and Stress. Up early, watch a beautiful sunrise over the lake and take a nice long walk around the lake and falls to center body and mind.

Peace All

Thanks for the beautiful photos.