Oh What A Mess

[reilli]

Hi Fury,
I'm so very sorry for your gf's tragic loss. Losing a child especially an only child is just so awful most people can't begin to imagine. My mom lost my adopted sister and she was out of her mind with grief for months. M's room was shut and my mom couldn't even go in there (that was where my mom found her body). Finally with the support of family and friends she was ready to let go and let others clean out M's room.

But everyone grieves differently - some people leave their deceased child's room the same way forever because they want to leave the memories. Others want to move on and box everything up. I don't think there is a right or wrong answer since for each it is different. I think I would defer to the psychologist's opinion.

I know you must feel so helpless, it's so hard to know how to act and react when you can't really understand truly what someone is going thru. I wonder if going to a support group for parents who have lost children would help if there is something like that in your area?

Thank you for keeping the group updated and all my best to you and her.  
reilli

[Blockhead59]

Hi Fury,
I apologize for not touching base sooner, but I’ve been offline on-and-off for a couple of days due to house “issues.” I cannot express how sorry I am for your and your SO’s loss. I, too, remember you mentioning it a while back.


Although you say she is strong, she sounds so fragile at the same time. She is lucky to have you, someone who cares so deeply and is so attentive to her needs.

I’m happy to hear that she is avoiding alcohol and is working. I also support your idea about grief counseling groups. (At first they may seem a sham to her, i.e., “no one understands” my pain, which is completely understandable.) But, she’s now part of a club. I know a few women who've lost children. One of my best friends lost her 10-year-old only son; another mom lost her youngest child, the only boy, when he overdosed at 22 a couple of Easters ago. He was my son’s best friend. Another child who lived around the corner from me was killed at 17, speeding home to make curfew.

You’re right, this is a life-long process of learning to live with her loss. In addition to the physical grief-counseling meetings, perhaps your SO can get an online grief/child lose group to help with the times she’s alone. Others who understand her pain and will allow her to express her grief and understand it in ways those of us who have not gone through this experience will be able to help her embrace, process and somehow reconcile. 

As to the clearing of her son’s room, I, too, feel this is something she should not be pushed to do. At least not initially. It's only been four months. 

So many people in the community have given such helpful suggestions. I can only support these. 

And please make sure you are taking care of your own emotional life and health.

Best,
BH

[Furyan66]

Greetings to all my friends here...

Things are not going too well at all. If she could stay off the damn alcohol (Tequila) specifically. She will sit around for hours smelling her sons close then the first thing she does when I have to leave is go and get a bottle of Tequila.

Her moods are so fluid right now that I am not sure what the right thing to say is or how to act.

She has started to withdrawal from her family, friends and even me. We can talk about something and agree on it but then 15 minutes later it's now a terrible idea.

She has stopped going for professional help as her insurance does no longer cover the office visits for her psychologist.

I CANNOT IMAGINE LOOSING A CHILD but when she fells back into that bottle there is no reasoning with her at all. She tries to hide her drinking from me but I can smell it and just tell by how she acts.

I want to be there for her but the hurtful things she says to me when she is drinking just make me have to walk away. I am sorry but I cannot have a reasonable conversation with a person who has half a bottle of tequila to drink. The mood swings are just too much.

She has got to find someone who can help her and I don't know who that someone is.

She has tried counseling groups which she now refuses to go back to but it's the damn alcohol that always brings her down. She goes out drunk and makes a fool out of herself at stores as she is stumbling all over the place.

I just don't know what else to do except try to be patient and hope she can get herself worked out.

Peace All

Fury

[G.Elias]

Doesn't sound good for anybody Fury, I wish i had some knowledge to pass on to help but i don't,I am a bit like you when it comes to dealing with drinkers, i have to walk away, there's no talking to someone when drunk esp on spirits like tequila, spirits have a whole different effect than just beer, very unpredictable to say the least.

I'm just hoping time itself will be the healer for your GF and you who is having to deal with all this, sounds like a nightmare for you both, i haven't experienced this with any previous GFs so don't know how i would deal with it.
Sorry i could not be of more of a solid kind of help.
Lets hope time will heal and that time comes around as soon as possible, if it helps to vent on here about it then vent all you need to mate,damn,some of the crap we get thrown at us can be so damn trying at times,at least folk here will have some empathy for your situation if nothing else.
Hope things start to improve for you and your GF soon.

[Charon]

She knows u are there. That in and of itself is some element of comfort. Its unbelievable to lose a child. It takes a very strong woman to regroup. And go on with life. I am sure she is blaming herself.

She must take her own time schedule to work this out. But, no, one cannot reason with a person with alcohol in them. With my mother, I kept silent. No answer will be correct.

The end hope is that she return to some sort of therapy. They even have online groups for parents whom have lost children. Maybe online is easier cuz one parent wont be judged as much. But, she does not sound ready.

It is good u r there and check on her. But i would not discuss this now. She is deliberately too wasted cuz this is beyond anything she could have dreamt in life. It is that horrible, particularly for a mom, to lose a child. They are part of us. They hold our hearts forever.

Keep being a good man. But i know there are support teams for parents whom lost children. Will she talk to a minister or priest?

I am glad u r there for her so she cannot harm herself. She should not be driving. They even have psychiatrists online to speak with. Via phone. But i imagine that is very costly.

I shall re read thread and see if i can find a group online whom support each other. For just what happened to her.

Just be there if she needs you. But it was awfully difficult to deal with my mother till she stopped drinking once we knew she had cancer return. She won't hear a word you say whilst drunk.

[Linville]

Fury , I am wishing you the best .

Sighs. I dont have much to offer you. ATM

[Iloveaparade]

Fury,
Take a look at this website..
compassionatefriends.org
I hope this helps, looks promising.
There are chapters all across the US and some other countries as well...

[Blockhead59]

Fury, as you say, your SO seems to be dealing with her child's loss primarily with alcohol. I hate to say this, but from my experience with people who drink to deal with "anything," is that you have to let her drink until she's ready to stop. Like Charon said, there's no talking to or reasoning with someone who is intoxicated. I only hope that she figures out sooner rather than later that alcohol is not going to change her reality.

On the other hand, is an intervention of sorts a possibly?

I have no idea what the answer is and am just offering or putting our ideas.

Like I said, look after yourself as well. This is likely taking a toll on your emotional health. Please keeping sharing with the community. BH

[Rafterman]

Again, so sorry to hear this, Fury. I usually respond to your posts within hours of you putting them up, but am just out of two day hospital stay and back on the boards. I hate the see her break with professional mental health services at this time. Most major metro areas do have free psychiatric care available, but sometimes it can be hell seeking it out. The one qualification is usually low income and they typically make you prove that with paystubs and/or tax forms. I hope that she can get with somebody again ASAP. As you say, the alcohol is behind a lot of this. She is obviously self-medicating with it and it has become the wildcard in this whole situation. The ironic thing is that alcohol is similar to benzo's in the mechanism by which it works. That tells me that she would have gotten some relief from the benzo's, as I have said in previous posts. You explained why she is adverse to that idea and I get it. It's just a shame, though. Alcohol is, ultimately, a depressant all the way around. A benzo, like ALP, is not. It's actually approved to treat both anxiety and depression. It will stop the racing thoughts that you mention in a few of your previous posts. Alcohol tends to cloud a persons judgment and ALP, largely, does not. Not to mention the destruction to the body, the social stigma, and danger while driving, etc. It's just a bad scene. Yes, I do realize that he last psych probably didn't want to give her a benzo due to the possibility of her using it at the same time of the alcohol. She would have to fully transition over because the two together can be deadly. Right now she is dealing with massive emotional pain and also stuck in an akcohol-induced brain fog. I know that you probably already have, but I urge you to exhaust all avenues in trying to get her free care and not to give up in trying to get her to switch to a benzo and get off the alcohol. I am only so pro-benzo because I have seen it pull people out of the most horrendous situations. I would love to see it play a part in doing the same thing for her!  Regards, RM