Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink.
The bartender gives him his drink, accompanied by a bowl of peanuts.

To his surprise, a voice comes from the peanut bowl.
"You look great tonight!" it said. "You really look fantastic...
and that aftershave is just wonderful!"

The man is obviously a little confused, but tries to ignore it.

Realizing he has no cigarettes, he wanders over to the cigarette machine.
After inserting his money, another voice emits from the machine.
"You RETARD... Oh my God you STINK...
Do you know, you're almost as ugly as your mother".

By now, the man is extremely perplexed.
He turns to the bartender for an explanation.

"Ah yes sir" the bartender responds "The peanuts are complimentary,
but the cigarette machine is out of order".

*****************************************************

A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers
"May I help you?"

The man says "Yes, I'm in room 858.
You need to send someone to my room immediately.
I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to
jump out the window".

The desk clerk says "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter".

The man replies "Listen you idiot. The window won't open...
and that's a maintenance matter".

*****************************************************

A recent article in the West Australian Newspaper Reported that a woman,
Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband
had surgery at the hospital

She said, "He Lost All Interest In Sex!"

A Hospital Spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard Was Admitted for Cataract Surgery!
All We Did Was Correct His Eyesight!"


*****************************************************

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day".

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher.
What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?"

So he is teleported into a classroom.

After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves,
so he throws all his supplies and gives up.

The CEO says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth.
This'll be a breeze"

So he is teleported to a restaurant.

After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane,
so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up.

The janitor says "I'll be an artist"

So he is transported to an art facility.

He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas,
then sells it for a billion dollars.

The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever.

The janitor says "I got a Master's Degree in Art".

*****************************************************


There was an old man who lived by a forest.
As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair,
until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent,
but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved.
But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees,
but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair".

"What I want you to do" the man continued "
is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory.
Tell your descendants to do the same.
It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong".

So, they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree,
the children replanted one,
and so did their children,
and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was,
all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.