Just my imagination??

[Apple]

Oh dear lord… I know I don’t frequent this site regularly (some names I always recognize from years passed) but it’s the only real source of news/information insofar as where other people in life and the general trend of ho w things are going… which in my own experience could never have been worse than this moment. I am 100% F*****, not in a legal sense (thank god) but in terms of quite literally having no where to turn as I’d long been reliant on a single, very reliable & resilient source, that as of now seems to have shuttered their doors / admitted defeat. I could not be more devastated or terrified of what is to come if you held a gun to my head.

I know I don’t actually know any of you all, but I have no friends or family to speak of, and if I have to end my life, I at least want someone somewhere out there to know WHY - that it wasn’t because of my depression or anxiety or pain, but because some a******s decided to take away the only thing(s) that made waking up in the morning bearable. I can’t believe of all of the real violence and crime happening to innocent people in our society, that the government has time for things like this.

I should have been smarter and never stopped searching for new doorways, taking for granted that what once existed and seemed stable would remain so in years to come as it has for so many years, of all the things I constantly ruminate and fear about (especially post Covid -19) it was honestly not near the top of my list. I wrongly assumed that where there is demand there will always be supply, and now I see way too late that couldn’t have been farther from the truth and that my days were always numbered being so stupid, naïve, and complacent about a factor of my life that makes such an enormous difference.

I hope you are all ok as always and that you were smarter than I was… I’m so afraid

I know things seem stacked against you and you are in nearly unbearable pain and misery, but I promise things can get better in ways you might not have imagined yet. You are a living miracle, please be humble and ask for help. I wish that there was something I could do to help you now, you're obviously close to your limit. Please do whatever you need to do to get through this, I know there are others who made it through if you could connect with them. I was barely revived from bleeding out. I clearly remember, as I realized the real end was really coming right now, how desperately I wanted to live. I thought of every time I wished I was dead, etc. But at the last moment, I realized how very much I wanted to live. And then I passed out. All the interviews I read of people who survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge say they regretted the second they jumped. 
 There are so many people who want to help you, it's hard to believe when you're in terrible pain, but please ask for help.