Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

George was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. after having great sex ...

She spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ....
Something she just loved to do.

As George was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"

Because ...... She Replied .....
"I Really Miss Mine"

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It was just after the end of the second world war and a US Marine was traveling across France by train to board his ship for home.

The train was quite crowded and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well-dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle.

The war-weary Marine asked "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular. "Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat".

The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog.

"Please Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired". She snorted "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"

This time the Marine didn't say a word. He just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down.

The woman shrieked "Someone must defend my honor! This American should be put in his place!"

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up

"Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road. And now, Sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b*tch out of the window"

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And now for the Irish

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.
 
Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me..   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

********

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this.   You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes.   I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.'

*********


Paddy was in New York.

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street crossing.  
The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay, pedestrians.'   Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said,
'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'

**********


Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died.   He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney.   'Where are ye callin' from?'

***********

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .  
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'

***************

Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch!   What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'

*************

Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy.  

He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step.  

As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.  

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding.  

He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed..

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly ........

it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

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[Roses]

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[IceWizard]

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between these two words:
COMPLETE and FINISHED.

Some people say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED.

However:

When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE.
When you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED.
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!!!

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Glenn and his wife were working in their garden one day when Glenn looks over at his wife and says "Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue!!"

With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.

"Yes, I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!"

The wife chose to ignore the husband.

Later that night in bed Glenn was feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

She answers "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie, do you?!?!"

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There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who :

1) Wouldn't beat on her,
2) Wouldn't run around on her,
and
3) Would be great in bed.

The next day, she heard the doorbell ring.

She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.

"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run around on you".

She said, "Yes, that true and all, but are you good in bed?"

He just smirked and said, "How do you think I rang the doorbell?"

*****************************************************

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled

"I have a 45 caliber Colt 1911 with a seven-round magazine plus one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife".

A voice from the back of the room called out "You need more ammo!"

*****************************************************

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked

"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard " replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine" replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards".

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it out teasingly.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to a little old man standing beside her, smiled and said. "Grandpa pay the man".

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Three sisters, ages 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts one foot in a pauses.

She yells down the stairs, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”

The 94-year-old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.”

She starts up the stairs and pauses.

Then she yells out, “Was I going up the stairs or down?”

The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea and listening to her sisters.

She shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful.”

She knocks on wood for good measure.

She then replies,“I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”

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Doctor to Lady, during her medical examination:

"Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are all fine.
Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."

Lady started taking off her clothes . . .

Doctor stopping her: "No! No! Please don't remove your clothes..

JUST SHOW ME YOUR TONGUE!"

*****************************************************

A little girl runs out to the backyard where her father is working, and asks him

"Daddy, what's sex?"

Her father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams...
and he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell her the works.

He covers a wide and varied assortment of sub topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.

Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"

"Oh, mummy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."

[Linville]

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LOL
LOL
LOL
LOL

oh you get it !

[Roses]

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[IceWizard]

Awesome ... Just awesome

Thanks Roses...

Ice

[IceWizard]

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi.

As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost.

"It's free,"St Peter replied. "This is heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth.

The old man asked, "What are the green fees?"

St Peter's reply: "This is heaven; you play for free."

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.

"How much to eat?" asked the old man.

"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven; it is free!" St Peter replied with some exasperation.

"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.

St Peter lectured, "That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is heaven."

With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly. St Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

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Dustie was driving down the freeway when his cell phone rang.

He answered and his wife was on the other end warning him, “I just heard on the new’s there’s a car going the wrong way on the interstate. Please by careful.”

“I know,” Dustie said, “but it’s not just one car. There’s hundreds of them.”

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Bob was surprised when his gorgeous neighbor lady knocked on his door one evening.

When he opened the door she said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, go out for some drinks and spend the night with someone. Are you doing anything tonight?”  

Bob excited and quickly responded, “Nooo, I’m free tonight and at your service.”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog?”

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[Charon]

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

   

[IceWizard]

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."


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A new missionary recruit went to Venezuela for the first time. He was struggling with the language
and didn't understand a whole lot of what was going on.

Intending to visit one of the local churches,he got lost, but eventually got back on track and found the place.

Having arrived late, the church was already packed. The only pew left was the one in the front row.

So as not to make a fool of himself, he decided to pick someone out of the crowd to imitate. He chose
to follow the man sitting next to him on the front pew.

As they sang, the man clapped his hands, so the missionary recruit clapped too.

When the man stood up to pray, the missionary recruit stood up too.

When the man sat down, he sat down.

When the man held the cup and bread for the Lord's Supper, he held the cup and bread.

During the preaching, the recruit didn't understand a thing. He just sat there and tried to look just like that man in the front pew.  

Then he perceived that the preacher was giving announcements.

People clapped, so he looked to see if the man was clapping. He was, and so the recruit clapped too.

Then the preacher said some words that he didn't understand and he saw the man next to him stand up.

So he stood up too.

Suddenly a hush fell over the entire congregation. A few people gasped. He looked around and saw that nobody else was standing.

So he sat down.

After the service ended, the preacher stood at the door shaking the hands of those who were leaving.

When the missionary recruit stretched out his hand to greet the preacher, the preacher said, in English:

"I take it you don't speak Spanish."

The missionary recruit replied: "No I don't. It's that obvious?"

"Well yes," said the preacher, "I announced that the Acosta family had a newborn baby boy and would
the proud father please stand up."


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[IceWizard]

Blond jokes about guys


A friend told the blond man: "Christmas is on a Friday this year."

The blond man then said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

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Two blond men find three grenades, and they decide to take them to a police station.

One asked: "What if one explodes before we get there?"

The other says: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

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A woman phoned her blonde neighbor man and said: "Close your curtains the next time you & your wife are having sex.

The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."

To which the blonde man replied: "Well the joke's on all of you because I wasn't even at home yesterday."

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A blonde man is in the bathroom and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?"

He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do... it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

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A blonde man goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy," he tells the vet.

The vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me."

The blonde man says, "Wait, I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet."

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A blond man spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

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A blond man shouts frantically into the phone

"My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No!" he shouts, "this is her husband!"

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A blonde man was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over, so he tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

The cop says, "That's your air freshener swinging about!"

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A blonde man's dog goes missing and he is frantic.

His wife says "Why don't you put an ad in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy!" he replies.

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A blond man is in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"Just WHAT are you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself," the blond replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the guard.

"I tried that," he replies, "but then I couldn't breathe."

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(OK ... This one actually makes sense.)



An Italian tourist asks a blonde man: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"

To which the blonde man replies: "If they fell forward, they'd still be in the boat."