Feeling suicidal

[Peony13]

I made a suicide attempt last month. It wasn't a very lethal attempt, though -- I took some pills, although I knew it wasn't a lethal dose. I also told my husband what I had done.

I spent four days in a locked mental ward. I really thought that, once I had been an inpatient, I would be eligible for more resources. I have desperately been trying to find a good therapist for years, but almost no one takes my insurance. (I'm on Medicare due to life-threatening physical illnesses that have left me with severe physical disabilities.) 

The hospital discharged me without finding me any resources at all. they said I would see a social worker who would come up with an after-discharge plan for me, but the only time I saw her was at my discharge meeting. She never came up with anyone to provide me with ongoing care. 

At the discharge meeting, I talked about my hopes of find a peer support group for people with disabilities similar to mine, or a therapist-led group for coping with disabilities. Everyone at the meeting thought that was a good idea. However, I have not been able to find anything. All the groups I've found require members to have a specific diagnoses, and I don't fit any of the diagnoses. (I was unable to research this while in the hospital, because my phone was confiscated and I was not allowed internet access. Even talking to friends on the phone was strictly limited.) 

In the hospital, I made friends with a female patient whose health problems were similar to mine, and we promised to stay in touch. However, I have called and called her (about 12 times in the past 6 weeks or so), and she always says she doesn't feel well enough to talk. This may be true, but I had been hoping to help her with her financial problems (I had promised to give her my used smartphone, for example), and now neither of us can help the other. 

I also made friends with a very elderly woman who was unhappy with the group home where she was being sent. I was hoping to contact her and help her find some place better, but I have been unable to reach her. (She didn't know her cell number, only her landline from the place she had be living previously.) 

Hospitalization seemed like the last resort to me, but the staff didn't do anything to help me. Talking to the other patients was helpful, but now I have no way to reach them.

I now feel extremely hopeless, and like I can't continue. My disabilities are just too much. I spend almost the whole day alone, struggling to do things like get to the bathroom or take a shower. 

I want my life to end. Both my husband and I have lots of prescription drugs (non-narcotic -- things like insulin and lasix) that are lethal if taken in high enough doses. I keep thinking about taking a lethal dose.

[Furyan66]

Hi Peony13...

There is nothing worth taking your life over. I don't know what disabilities that you speak of that are just too much. I suffer from PTSD and have felt overwhelmed many times to the point of feeling like things are just too much to deal with. I know you mentioned a husband and have you talked with him about this? Support groups are great if you can find the right one but the best people to open up to are family and friends.

I know what it feels like to feel extremely hopeless and EVERYTHING you do even the easiest things feel like a huge chore and you have to force yourself through it all. Please if you have not already open up to a family member or close friend.

I still suffer through depression and I still get totally overwhelmed sometimes but I made up my mind years ago that no matter how bad life gets, or how miserable I am I WANT TO LIVE and see what tomorrow brings. I want to smile and be happy again and I am going to fight for that.

Remember your whole world can change in a second. Don't give up!!!

Life is great at throwing you curve balls to knock you down but every now and then usually when you least expect it you get your miracle.

I will be praying for you that you can find strength and the peace I know you so desire.

God gives his toughest battles to his strongest warriors.

Peace to you and you always got a way to reach out on here.

Hang in there

Fury

[IceWizard]

I must confess that I am Bi ....

Bi-Polar that is (ok that sounded weird even to me) However, I have seen so may "so called Drs" ... "Specialists" ... And I am still unsure as to just what they actually specialize in, chappin my butt is one for sure...

As Brother Fury said," Remember your whole world can change in a second. Don't give up!!!
Life is great at throwing you curve balls to knock you down but every now and then usually when you least expect it you get your miracle."

This is our only life, if we love God, we will certainly want to see not only Him, but all our close family again in the Glory of Heaven... We will know everyone there from Adam, Eve, Moses all the ones we strive and struggle to be like...

It is said God NEVER puts a load on his children that they are unable to bear, You may be the one that not only helps, but prevents just one soul to make it home to our Lord and Savoir's Home in Glory and not slip into eternal damnation to burn to the point of death, yet never die.... Sounds bad to me....

We have this non-judgmental forum for folks like the ones in this thread... Now you know that absolutely none of us have those fantastic know everything fix nothing degrees, but we do have love and caring for folks that are in real need of a shoulder, an ear, a virtual hugg ....

I used to isolate from EVERYBODY for weeks on end, they had me on medz I would wish on no one....
at one point 3900 mg lithium daily and some stuff that mad me unable to determine if I was really awake or just dreaming, they seemed the exactly same ....

All I am saying is never give up, DO NOT let this win out over you.... We (for what we're worth) are here for you... Believe you me, I thought about the path you spoke of, but my beliefs are so strong that I really want to see my folks and Jesus again.... So speak up.... Speak out .... Drs these day have $$ in their eyes not so much our health let alone our well being.... Herd us in, Herd us through, Make more $$ We do have to more are less be our own keepers...

Now I know you have a husband and I have my little lady as well....

BUT YOU ARE DEARLY LOVED HERE ESPECIALLY

Never quit,,,, Never give up,,,, Never give in ,,,, and Never let those bad feelings win ...

Together we can do this, I promise

Ice

[happyvibe]

Dear Peony13,
I’m so sorry that you did not get the help and support you needed from the medical community which probably left you feeling worse. The same thing happened to my sister while she was going through a mental and physical breakdown. Thankfully she was able to pull herself out of the deep pit of despair but it was not easy. However like others have said before- do not give up. I know life feels like an enterinty when things are not going well but it will get better. A friend once said to me “fake it to you make it” about being happy and not depressed. I tried it and after awhile of “pretending” to be happy I actually felt better.

I so wish there were more resources to help those of us with mental and physical issues but there is not so we have to help ourselves. We have to hold each other up when the other is down. Be open and honest with your husband. I used to protect mine from how I was really feeling so I would be in agony alone. Now I share my deepest thoughts and it’s ok to lean on the support of a spouse.

The members here are great humans with big hearts. You are loved. Please do not give up.

[TrayGold]

Peony13,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. As others have said, things will get better. We only get one shot at this and it's important to try to make the best of it.  But you aren't alone. Many people here have felt desperate and like there are no options.  The good news is you are part of this forum's family, and you have every member here as a resource for when you need to talk or have questions. Although it's not face to face friends, I've met the most wonderful people here that are better than "real life" friends.  
I don't know where you live, but is there a rehab hospital in your area? If not a full rehab hospital, is there a physical rehab unit in a local hospital?  This might be a good starting point to get some good and real resources.  They are run by Physiatrists which are doctors of physical rehabilitation.  They are experts at working with people with physical disabilities and lead teams of physical, occupational, speech and recreation therapists, as well as rehab psychologists and other team members.  The teams whole job is to make people as healthy and independent as possible, and will know of support groups and any social opportunities available.  Please consider at least checking into if any are available near you.  And remember you always have your friends here. 

[Peony13]

Thanks for the posts!


The disabilities I am having are physical ones. The physical problems are making me depressed. I have had two types of cancer and now have liver failure. I spent most of my time in bed, alone. I am extremely weak and have lost a lot of my muscle tissue, making getting out of bed very difficult. I am often hungry and thirsty and there is no one to bring me food or tea or a cold drink.

I often need assistance getting out of bed. My muscles are badly damaged by surgery and are just too weak to lift me up. But, there is no one to help me out of bed. I regularly have bladder and bowel incontinence as I struggle to make it to the toilet. Then, there is no one to help me clean myself up. I really don't like having to give all these details. But if I don't give all these unpleasant details, people seem to assume my physical health is far, far better than it is. 

Our house has stairs and it is almost impossible for me to leave the house. I often go weeks trapped in the house, especially in the winter. I have bad osteoporosis.  We live in Michigan and if I fall, I break bones and they never heal well. Yes, I want to sell the house and live somewhere warmer, with no stairs. My husband and I have fought about this for years. I have no money and am dependent on him for everything. I have no leverage to get him to listen to what I want. 

My husband is gone about 10 or 11 hours a day at work. On my very worst days, I tell him I can't be alone and need him to stay home with me. But, he worries he will lose his job, and goes to work anyway. I have begged him to just quit his job to take care of me, and he says no. He will be 62 years old in three months, and I want him to retire and be my caregiver. He says absolutely not. He likes working, he likes driving a new SUV, he likes going out to lunch in a restaurant every day, he likes having a big house, and he will not give that up to take care of me. 

I have been mostly bed-ridden for over a decade, and my friends and much of my family have moved on with their lives and forgotten about me.  I email, text, and phone them, and most do not respond at all. A few say how great it is to hear from me, but that they don't have time to talk now. And, then, they *never* find the time to talk. 

Maybe I made a mistake by posting here. I don't feel understood at all. People here seem to think the problem is that I have a bad attitude.  I don't need platitudes and slogans.  I need additional resources, like ideas for finding a support group for very disabled people, or how to get a home health aid to help me get to the toilet on time.

Someone here said things might get better in an instant.  I have lost a *lot* of my organs. I don't think they are coming back in an instant. I don't think they are coming back, ever. Yes, with some types of problems, things do get better. But, that's not the type of problems I have. My health is probably never going to get better. It has been getting worse for over a decade, and it will probably get worse until I die. A lot of illnesses are that way. 

As for the idea that there is nothing worth dying for -- Do you believe that people are *never* entitled to assisted suicide? That they should suffer with cancer or other illnesses endlessly until God (or Nature, or whatever) gives them permission to die? I don't think that. I believe in assisted suicide for people who are terminally ill. 

In my case, I don't know how long I have left. I already came extremely close to bleeding to death in the E.R. Maybe that will happen again in a month or two, and this time I'll die, showing that I am, in fact, terminal right now. But, maybe I have a few years left. If I do have a few years left, I'd like to find some way to make those years bearable and worth living.

I've spent many, many years on various writing projects. If I could find some way to get people interested in my writing projects, that would give my life purpose and make putting up with my illnesses worthwhile. If no one cares about my writing, the physical suffering is just too much and I want to my life over with as soon as possible.

---

Peony13,
I am so sorry that you are feeling so down. As others have said, things will get better. We only get one shot at this and it's important to try to make the best of it.  But you aren't alone. Many people here have felt desperate and like there are no options.  The good news is you are part of this forum's family, and you have every member here as a resource for when you need to talk or have questions. Although it's not face to face friends, I've met the most wonderful people here that are better than "real life" friends.  
I don't know where you live, but is there a rehab hospital in your area? If not a full rehab hospital, is there a physical rehab unit in a local hospital?  This might be a good starting point to get some good and real resources.  They are run by Physiatrists which are doctors of physical rehabilitation.  They are experts at working with people with physical disabilities and lead teams of physical, occupational, speech and recreation therapists, as well as rehab psychologists and other team members.  The teams whole job is to make people as healthy and independent as possible, and will know of support groups and any social opportunities available.  Please consider at least checking into if any are available near you.  And remember you always have your friends here. 

Hi, Traygold!! Thank you!   We were posting at the same time.


My liver specialist says most sorts of exercise could cause another episode of life-threatening bleeding. I am supposed to keep my pulse below 70 at all times. So, that really limits what can be done with rehab. 

I have gone through physical therapy about four times in my life. The first was quite successful -- physically therapy to get my eyes to align, back when I was in my twenties. But, over time as I've gotten much sicker (I'm now 57), rehab doesn't do much, at least not the mild forms that are safe for me. 

I have tried to get an occupational therapist to come to my house and show me things such as aids for getting in and out of the shower, but it has been an epic battle with my insurer. I don't know if I will try again, as I have so many other things I need to fight with my insurer about. 

I don't think there is really much hope in finding a treatment that will improve my ability to do things. I have tried that for over a decade, and it never works. I've really reached the point where I need people to do things for me. I spent years unwilling to admit that -- but now that I've admitted it, I can't find anyone to help me, anyway.

---

I really appreciate all the relies here -- very fast replies, too! I don't understand, though, the many people who say, "It will get better." Do you mean my health will get better? I have tried everything to make my health better, and nothing works. So, I don't think my health will get better. I really feel that *nothing* has gotten better in the decade since I got sick -- my social isolation has gotten worse, my marriage has deteriorated dramatically, my depression has gotten worse and worse, my finances have gotten drained. I'll like to believe that something is going to get better. But what is that something?

[TrayGold]

Peony13,
No disrespect meant, but I think every one of the response posts you received were nothing but supportive and members telling you that we accept and support you at this forum. Nobody said anything about having a bad attitude...and no 'slogans" were given to you.  I believe I tried to give you a starting point to get real, tangible help and resources. You said you can't get up or out.  I'm assuming you can get tp a doctor appt if you are looking for a peer support group.  Physical therapy, even for mainrnance of strength could definitely help you.  You said you have Meficare because of your disabilities, so I again assumed you are younger than traditional Medicare age.  Physiatrists/therapists take Medicare and can oprn doors to some ineractions, social or otherwise, that may help you.  I am a physical therapist, so I'm not preaching about something I don't understand.  
If you aren't comfortable with that, any home health agency will accept Medicare and can offer assistace about 3 times per week in your home.  From what you have said, you more than qualify, and at least there would be some support. 
And you didn't mention assisted suicide in your original post. You mentioned feeling so hopeless that you wanted things to end. BELIEVE ME, there are many people here that understand that and know that the desperation can pass.  
As for your writing, that I don't know alot about. Have you done any internet searches to see if there's any place where you could post your work? 
Peony13, everyone posted support for you because we care about you.  Please let me know even by PM if you like if I can help you with anything.

---

Peony13---So sorry, yes I think we were posting at the same time and I'm just seeing your last response.  
Now I am understanding better.  
Ok to get home health services, a doctor will have to write you a script for services.  If possible, my advice is still to get a physiatry office appt and have a list of everything going on available to discuss during the meeting.  This way you will have established a relationship with a doc that knows and understands your backround.  They can also script/refer you to a psychologist or group to help with some of the other things. 
With home health, Medicare will pay for OT as long as there is a script. Private insurance is a nightmare to get services covered.  With your limitations,  subacute rehab could possibly be a short term option to build some strength--if you see the rehab doc, ask about it. 
And really, pm me with any questions and I'll do my best to help out with anything I can.

[Peony13]

Hi, Traygold

I'm not trying to start an argument. There were some things that sounded like slogans/platitudes to me, but I won't repeat them because I don't want to single out anyone who said them.

My post about assisted suicide was in reference to the claim that nothing is worth dying for. I do believe there are times when it is rational to choose death. I sometimes feel I am in that situation -- I hope not, but I may be.

About group therapy, I'm not sure I could get out of my house for that. I'm hoping to find something online.

I did ask one of my physicians (via email) for a reference to a Physical Therapist, about a few months back, but got no response. I don't know if PT would work for me, though. I would love to become physically stronger, but I nothing seems to work. I have tried all sorts of exercise programs for years. Some were ones I did on my own, some I did with PTs, some were ones I found online. Generally, I improve for a while (assuming I don't push myself too hard -- that can be really bad). But, after a month of two of improvement, I have a relapse and end up bedridden again. This has happened dozens of times, and it is absolutely heartbreaking. My allergist thinks it is immune-mediated, but doesn't know of a treatment.


For many years, I have looked for advice, support, etc for coping with my problems. All the non-medical personal I talk to, or medical personnel who haven't examined me, say I have to find a way to get better. But physicians and nurses who actually treat me say that isn't realistic and I'm not going to get better physically. But, the medical personnel are too busy to give support -- I'm supposed to get that elsewhere. So, I want to find a group that will help me figure out how to cope with the problems I have, rather than tell me I need to find some (non-existent) way of fixing the problems I have.


I would like to hear more about Physiatrists -- I don't really know what they do. Is there a website where I can read up on physiatry?

Also, I would really like a referral to a home health aid. I don't have a PCP right now, though. So, I recently sent my liver specialist a request for a referral. Maybe that will work.


Thanks!

Peony

[Peony13]

I want to add to my earlier posts -- I am sorry that I didn't take more time to talk about the challenges other people here are going through. I was feeling so overwhelmed that I just wasn't doing a good job of communicating. I apologize.

Icewizard, bipolar is a very serious illness and can be a very big burden to live with. Have you been able to find good treatment? I hope you have a good support network of family and friends. Also, I hope people you encounter realize that people who are "Bi" are occasionally just not going to act like themselves and it isn't their fault. I have a family history of bipolar, with an uncle who committed suicide from it. Luckily, the treatments are much better these days. I know a bit about bipolar treatment, if you want to talk.

Furyann66, PTSD is another difficult problem to deal with. Have you heard about the new approaches to treat it? They involve one or a few doses of MDMA or ketamine, administered by a trained therapist. People who undergo this treatment must be carefully screened, and need pre-dose sessions to prepare them for what to expect. I think the ketamine treatment has been legalized by the FDA, but only a few places currently offer it. I'm not sure any insurance covers it. Hopefully, maybe as soon as a year or two, this treatment will be more widely available. So, perhaps your PTSD will have a new, effective treatment soon.

There is also research into the same approach, using psilocybin, for people who are depressed due to serious physical health problems. I am very interested in trying this when it becomes available, although I'm not sure when that will be.

Sorry for being such a downer last yesterday-- hope I didn't interfere with anyone's holidays. And, I hope everyone is feeling pretty good today!

Thanks for all the messages. I was very impressed by how quickly people replied.

[Charon]

Peony: In case you read here as a guest, I just want to check on you as the Covid waves keep coming and as holidays approach.

If you want to talk, just PM me and I shall give you my email.

Hopefully you have a professional in your corner now.

But a few of us have experienced that hopeless feeling. Please be okay.