Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

She was having fun

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me, again,
asking why I didn't do something useful with my time,
"like sitting around the pool and drinking wine isn't a good thing."

Talking about my "doing-something-useful"
seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.
She is "only thinking of me," she said, and suggested,
I go down to the Senior Center, and hang out with the gals.

So, I did and when I got home,
decided to play a prank on her.

I sent her an e-mail saying that I had joined the Senior Parachute Club.

She replied,
"Are you nuts? You're 78 years-old and
now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even had a Membership Card
and e-mailed a copy to her.

Immediately, she telephoned me and yelled,
"Good grief, mom, where are your glasses?!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, am I in trouble," I said,
"I signed up for five jumps a week!"

The line went dead.

Life as a Senior Citizen isn't getting any easier,
but sometimes it can be fun.



**********


Over heard at the senior's club meeting


I'm not the best looking guy.
Some would say I'm a little frayed
around the edges these days.

But, I have a nice motorcycle, a little money
and I spend most of my time casually riding
from place to place. 

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening.
There was an instant spark between us.

She did this cute little dance then immediately dropped
to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet. 

As we lay there making love,
I thought,

"Damn, these taser guns are really worth the money!"


**********


Old timers ... Don't you just love em


I've been in many places,
but I've never been in Cahoots.
Apparently, you can't go there alone.
You have to be in Cahoots with someone.

I've also never been in Cognito.
I hear no one recognizes you there.

I have, however, been in Sane.
They don't have an airport,
you have to be driven there.

I've made several trips there,
thanks to my children, friends, family and work.

I would like to go to Conclusions,
but you have to jump there and
I'm not into physical activity anymore.

I've also been in Doubt.
That is a sad place to go and
I try not to visit there too often.

I've been in Flexible,
but only when it was very important to stand firm.

Sometimes I'm in Capable
and I go there more often as I get older.

One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense!
It really gets the adrenaline flowing
and pumps up the old heart!
At my age, I need all the stimuli I can get!

I may have been in Continent
but I don't remember what country that was in.
It's an age thing.
They tell me it is very wet and damp there.

So any thoughts that direction, ....
Depends.



**********


I saw two male lions trying to screw each other by the side of the road.
I thought to myself "Have they no pride?


**********


Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon.
So, today I went over to the local Gun shop to get a
Colt 9mm handgun, for home/personal protection.

When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said,
"Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the government
about gun control wackos running amok,

I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided,
I found out she was referring to how I should place my
credit card in the card reader!

As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often,
but this time it took me a while to get my pants back on.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little more clear.
I still don't think I looked that bad!
I just need to wear underwear more often.

[Charon]

[IceWizard]

The president Bush steps out for a breath of air in the dead of winter.

Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees
“The President Must Go”
written in urine across the snow.

He’s pretty ticked off and storms into the office of his security staff.

“Somebody wrote a threat in the snow on the front damn lawn!”
he yells.
“And they wrote it in urine!  S.O.B. had to be standing right on the porch when he did it!
Where were you?!”

The security guys stay stare ashamedly at the floor.

“Well, dammit, don’t just sit there!
Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! 
I want an answer, and I want it
TONIGHT!”

The entire staff jumps up and races for the exits.

Later that evening, the chief security officer approaches the president and says,
“Well, sir, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news.
Which do you want first?”

“Oh hell, give me the bad news first.”

“Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it.
The results just came back, and it belongs to the
Vice President.”

“Oh my god, I feel so betrayed!
My own Vice President!  Damn! 
Well, what’s the really bad news?”

“Well, sir, it’s in the
First Lady’s handwriting.”


**********


A man comes home after a terrible round of golf, his worst ever.

He plops down on the couch in front of the television and tells his wife,
“Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, he says,
“Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says,
“Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him,
“You’ve been out golfing all day! 
Is that all you’re going to do tonight?  Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? 
You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says,
“It’s started…”


**********


My wife asked me why I don’t play golf with Patrick anymore.

So I asked her,
“Would you continue to play with a guy who always gets drunk,
loses so many balls other groups are always playing through,
tells lousy jokes while you are trying to putt, and generally
offends everyone around him on the course?”

“Certainly not, dear,”
she replied.

“Well, neither would he.”


**********


There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel # 5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obituary, like I do every day;

If my names not there, I'll once again start -
Perfecting the art of falling apart

[Charon]

Guy goes into a bar. *1930 ish movie The Sheriffs Daughter*

Give me a drink before the fight starts.

Bartender gives him one.

Few minutes later, man says Another drink before the big fight starts.

Bartender complies. Finally asks, say what is this big fight you keep talking about?

man says, whilst running, THE FIGHT WHEN U FIND OUT I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO PAY FOR THOSE DRINKS.

From my youth. Your joke reminded me, Ice.

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

One day, Joe Biden dies and ends up standing in front of the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter looks at him for a second and starts flicking through his book
where he finds hi name.

"So", says St. Peter,
"You're a politician?"

"Yes" ,says Joe,
"Is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem", says St Peter, "But we have recently adopted a new system
for people in your line of work, unfortunately, you will have to spend one day in hell.
After that however,  you will be free to choose where you would like to spend eternity."

"Wait, I have to spend a day in Hell?",
asked Joe Biden.

"That's the rules." said St. Peter.
He snaps his fingers and POOOF, Joe disappears.

Joe awakens, all curled up and his hands are over his eyes
cause he knows that he is in Hell.

Cautiously he listens for the screams... He sniffs the air, expecting to smell the brimstone
and sulfur and finds ....Nothing!

Is that the smell of fabric softener? and cut grass? This can't be right?!

"Open your eyes." says a voice,
"C'mon, Wakey, wakey, we only have 24 hours!"

Nervously, Joe uncovers his eyes, looks around and sees that he
is in a hotel room. Wait, this is a penthouse suite! There's a smiling man
dressed in a suit, holding a martini!

"Who are you?" asked Joe

"Well, I'm Satan." says the man, as he hands him the drink and
helps him to his feet. "Welcome to Hell."

"Wait." says Joe, "BUt...But.. Where's all the pain and suffering?"

Satan gives him a wink and says, "We've been so mis-represented
over the years, it's a long story. Anyway, this is your room and of coarse the mini bar
is free as is the room service, there are extra towels by the hot tub and
if you need anything, anything at all, just call the receptionist. But enough of this,
it's a beautiful day and if you care to look outside..."

Stunned by the magnificent surroundings, Joe staggers over to the
floor to ceiling windows, through which the sun is glowing through,
looks far down, sees a large group of people cheering and waving
at him from a golf coarse.

"That's one of five pro-level courses on site and there's another
6 just a few minutes drive out past the beach and harbor!", says Satan
answering his unanswered question.

So they headed down the elevator, walk through a glittering lobby
where everybody waves and welcomes Joe, as Satan signs autographs
and cheeringly talks shop with the laughing staff.

As Joe walks out, he sees the group on the golf coarse is made up of
every one of his old friends! Right out of the middle of this group,
walks his wife, with a big smile and the body she had when she was 20!!
She throws her arm around him and gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek.

As everyone was falling about and throwing breadsticks at each other,
his wife wispers in his ear and off to the penthouse suite they went
where they spent the rest of the night making love as they did on their
honeymoon.

After 6 hours of hot and steamy romps, Joe fell fast asleep on his
100% Egyptian cotton pillows.

He is awaken by St. Peter that said,
"So that was Hell, wasn't quite what you were expecting I'll bet."

"NO SIR!". said Joe

"So then", says St. Peter "You can make your choice, it's Hell like you saw OR
Heaven which has choral singing, talking to God, white robes, and so on..."

"Well, I know this sounds strange and unbalanced," says Joe
"But I think that I would prefer Hell."

"Not a problem, we understand. Enjoy" says St. Peter. and again he
snaps his fingers.

Joe wakes up in total darkness and the stench of ammonia filling the air
and distance screams was all he could hear. As he adjusts, he sees that the only
light is from belches of fire coming from a pit and the silhouettes of raggedy
people being tortured or burning in a sulphurous ocean.

A sudden bolt of lightening revels Satan standing next to him, wearing the
same suit as before, grinning, holding a soldering iron in one hand and
a coil of razor wire in the other.

"What's this?" screams Biden, "Where's the hotel? Where's my wife?
Where's the mini bar, the golf courses, the pool, the restaurants,
the free drinks and sunshine?!"

"Ah.." says Satan "You see, yesterday we were campaigning,
But today, you voted!"

[Charon]

[IceWizard]

What's the Difference Between a hooker, a nympho and a wife?

A hooker says,
“You ain't finished YET???”

A nympho says,
“Surely you ain't finished YET!?!?!?”

A wife says,
“Beige... beige...I think I’ll paint the ceiling beige.”


**********


An old couple is on a walk, when a bird flies by and
relieves himself on the woman's head.

"Yuck!" says the woman.
"Get some toilet paper."

"What for" says the old fella?
"He must be half-a-mile away by now."

**********


KIDS ! 
they should be born with a full suit of clothes....
and a packed suitcase, ready to leave home.


(Brother-in-law's favorite saying...9 kids....3 Bio...3 Adopted...3 Foster. 
He also stopped asking 'what's new' when getting home after work.)


**********


CHARLES DICKENS walks into a bar,
and orders a martini.

The bartender asks,
"Olive or twist?"


**********


A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree.

"You can't cut me down,"
the tree complains.
"I'm a talking tree!"

The man responds,
"You may be a talking tree,
but you will dialogue."

The tree tried to figure out a witty response,
but he was stumped.


**********



An anxious woman goes to her doctor and asks him nervously,
“Doctor, can you get pregnant from @nal intercourse?”

“Certainly,” replies the doctor.
“Where do you think lawyers come from?”

(our attorney didn't appreciate the humor....
he's damn good, but he's still an ass.)


**********


It was just announced on CNN that the list of ingredients
found in Viagra has been released.

It’s made up of 2 percent aspirin, 2 percent ibuprofen,
1 percent filler, and 95 percent Fix-a-Flat.


**********


A swarm of bees was heading south for the winter and one wanted
to make a pit stop at an ESSO station.

The rest of the swarm refused to wait, so the bee zoomed on alone.

The moral of the story?
There is an ESSO bee in every crowd.


**********



A woman is having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.

One afternoon they are carrying on in the bedroom together
when her husband arrives home, unexpectedly.

“Quick,” says the woman to her lover, “Hide!”

She bundles him into the closet stark naked.

The husband is suspicious and after a search of the bedroom,
he discovers the man in the closet.

“Who are you?”
he asks him.

“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,”
says the exterminator.

“Well, what the hell are you doing in my wife’s closet?”

“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths.”

“And where, may I ask, are your clothes?”

The man looked down at himself and said,
“Those little bastards!”


**********


A guy is out one night with his girlfriend and they’re driving
eighty miles an hour in his new sports car. She leans over to him,
opens his fly, and reaches in.

Suddenly a deer jumps in front of the car.

He turns the wheel and finally comes to a rest.

When the police get to the scene, they guy is still buckled in and alive,
but groaning pitifully.

The cop says,
“Your girlfriend was thrown from the car and killed.
You sure are lucky.”

“Lucky?" he said,
"Go look in her hand!”

[IceWizard]

The other day I went to the local religious book store,
where I saw a HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS bumper sticker.
I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car,
and I'm really glad I did.

What an uplifting experience followed!

I was stopped at the light at a busy intersection,
just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn't notice
that the light had changed.

That bumper sticker really worked!

I found lots of people who love Jesus.
Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy.

He must REALLY love the Lord because pretty soon,
he leaned out his window and yelled,
"Jesus Christ!" as loud as he could.

It was like a football game with him shouting,
"GO JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

Everyone else started honking, too,
so I leaned out my window and waved and
smiled to all of those loving people.

There must have been a guy from Florida back there
because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach,
and saw him waving in a funny way with only
his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my two grand kids what that meant.
They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled
and told me, that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign.

So, I leaned out the window and
gave him the good luck sign back.

Several cars behind, a very nice man stepped
out of his car and yelled something.

I couldn't hear him very well, but it sounded like,
"Mother trucker," or "Mother's from there."

Maybe he was from Florida, too.
He must really love the Lord.

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy
of the moment that they got out of their cars
and were walking toward me.

I bet they wanted to pray,
but just then I noticed that the light had
changed to yellow, and stepped
on the gas.

And a good thing I did, because I was
the only driver to get across the intersection.

I looked back at them standing there.

I leaned way out the window,
gave them a big smile and held up the
Hawaiian good luck sign
as I drove away.


***************



A soldier ran up to a nun,
Out of breath he asked:
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed.

A moment later two Military Police officers ran up and asked:
"Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied:
"He went that way."
Pointing far off.

After the Military Police officers ran off,
the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said:
"I can't thank you enough Sister.
You see, I don't want to go to war to Iraq."

The nun said:
"I understand completely."

The soldier added:
"I hope I'm not rude,
but you have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied:
"If you had looked a little higher,
you would have seen a great pair of balls...
I don't want to go to Iraq either!"


**************

[willie33]

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