Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

If smoking marijuana causes short-term memory loss. ...
What does smoking marijuana do?

*******************


A man died after falling into a vat of coffee.
His wife told reporters, "At least he didn't suffer - it was instant."



*******************


One tribe of cannibals were converted by missionaries
to becoming good Catholics. ..
They ate fishermen only on Fridays now.


*******************


As I grow older I find I am more interested in the hereafter. ..
I'll be standing in the kitchen going
"Now, what did I come in here after?".


*******************


Why do men traditionally let women go through the door first?
It goes all the way back to caveman days.
A guy would wake up, roll the big rock away from the cave entrance…
and let his woman step out first.

If nothing ate her, he would go next.


*******************


I sometimes fool my neighbors into thinking I'm good in bed
by hiding my wife's inhaler.
They can hear her out of breath shouting
"Give it to me, just hurry up and
give it to me, pleeeeease give it to me!"



*******************


A bartender brings a guy a drink and says,
"Hey buddy, you look a little down. What's wrong?"

The guy says,
"Well, when my wife left,
I felt a little sad in the beginning.
Then I got a dog, bought a Harley,
and asked out the pretty neighbor next door.
Things were definitely looking better."

"Sounds pretty great," says the bartender.

And the guy says,
"Yeah... but now I'm thinking about what's gonna happen
when my wife comes home from work."



*******************

The pet store owner promised it was a
genuine anteater when he sold it to me. ...
But it turned out to be an aunt-eater ..

and now my uncle’s furious.

*******************


The Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps told
a woman to cover her midriff ..
It was a navel blockade ..


*******************

Suppose Dolly Parton Married Tom Smothers, 
Then Divorced Him and Married Stuart Little, 
Divorced Him and Married Martin Short, 
Then Divorced Him And Married Leslie Mann ..
Her name would be Dolly Parton Smothers Little Short Mann

[IceWizard]

What type of lettuce did they use in salads aboard the Titanic? ..
Romaine initially. ..
They got the iceberg a later.

***********************


What happened to the Iranian woman who smoked weed?
She got stoned!

***********************


I told my suitcase there will be no vacations this year.  ..
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.



***********************



Was on Holiday in Madrid…
Where I got very poorly in this mini motel.

I went to the receptionist where I told her I was unwell
and she said “Luckily one of our workers is a doctor”

I replied “Blimey, a doctor? In such a small motel?”
She said “Yeah, nobody expects
"THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN" ”


***********************


A guy crashes his car. When the police show up,
he claims the woman he hit was at fault.
"She was on her phone!" he yells.
"And to make matters worse,
she was drinking a glass of wine at the time.
Can you believe it?"
And the cop says,
"Sir... she can do whatever she wants
in her own living room."



***********************


What is Vlad the Impaler’s favorite joke?
So a bar goes into this guy ..

[IceWizard]

Once, I crashed in a hot air balloon! ..
I felt let down. ..

**********************************

My first wife worked at a milk bottling company. ..
When she got home, I could smell that dairy air.

**********************************


What is E.T short for?
Because he's got little legs!

**********************************


I caught my first wife in bed with my best friend!
She was caressing him and he was licking her!

I did what any red-blooded man would do.
I rolled up a newspaper, swatted him on the head with it and yelled:
"Bad dog! BAD dog!"

**********************************

ED is curable with diet and exercise
Hard part is to tell your wife to diet and exercise

**********************************

I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money
that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed
the Third World for one year. 
I'm not sure about you,
but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.

**********************************


I don’t mean to boast, but I know Karate, Judo, Aikido …
And several other Japanese words.

[IceWizard]

BREAKING NEWS ....

Top Democrat was taken to the hospital, with 25 plastic toy horses
inserted into his rectum!!
Doctors say his condition is now ... Stable

[whatapain]

[IceWizard]

[IceWizard]

CLICK HERE