Oh What A Mess

[maeve]

Fury,
My heart hurts for you and your girlfriend.. It sounds like a very difficult time for you both and also something that will probably not deminishfor quite some time.  I can't fathom the pain losing a child must cause, but I ca understand how that amount of sadness and pain could make suicide feel like a way to escape it.  Was she ever offered any find of help upon leaving the hospital?  I ask because awhile back, I once too found myself so hopelessly depressed (in a much different way), but I attempted suicide to try to escape it all.  Once I was found and brought to the ER, I was held for several days, but before being released, there were several resources that came in to visit me and offer different ways to help me better deal with how I felt.  I did attempt to enter an in-patient type environment for people with chronic depression, traumatic experiences, PTSD, bipolar disorder, etc.  I personally did not get much from it, but it did help many people that are mentally struggling (they also have doctors/ psychologists/ psychiatrist there to work with you personally to find what medications and types of therapy that may benefit for you personally.  I did however get referred to a wonderful psychiatrist and psychologist that I have seen for many years now helping me with all my ups and downs dealing with my chonic depression, bipolar type II, severe anxiety, etc.  I truly believe connect to the right resource that genuinely just want to help you grieve with your problems and understand what does/ does not work for you.  It is fantastic she is seeing botha psychiatrist and psychologist!  It is funny that not may people know the difference, but they are insanely helpful in different ways.  If it is possible and she hasn't already, it may be beneficial to interconnect her providers or find a pair that can help work with her more effectively as a team to be on her side.  Perhaps working them the two forms of therapy together may reassure her that giving a benzo could be other a shot.  It is completely reasonable for her to have this fear after her sons death and the benzo type drugs being involved;  but that doesn't mean it is something to rule out.  If she is worried about "supporting the producers" of this drug category, that is very reasonable and it is absolutely reasonable to want to blame this situation on big-pharma and unneeded prescriptions leading to addiction and overdose.  However, in the world we live in and the current stigma around these types of drugs under plays/ never mentions how MILLIONS (if not more) benefit from these medicines immensely and sometimes in a life changing way.  And honestly at this point, it seems like she has reached a turning point to try to pick up some pieces slowly and try to live day to day.  Working as a nursing, it is not uncommon for people such as baby boomers, gen x , and some millenials strear away from benzos for these same fears of addiction or possible having an overdose, etc.  I will say that it is near impossible to become addicted to a medication that is taken as directly prescribed and the exact dosage time, and at anytime something does neat feel "normal" call the provider.  Simply take the med at the right time, right dose, and make sure your HCP or nurse gives you all the information to be aware of.  If I was her, I would bring this fear up to her psychologist first to find our her exact feelings and fears towards it.  Then if she is comfortable, reac and and talk to the psychiatrist about maybe starting a low trail dose for about 2 weeks (when a new med usually has the full effect you should be exhibiting.

Oh, and lastly, that is wonderful she has taken the plunge to take antabuse!  Sooo many people do not go this route to help with alcoholism, because it makes drinking painful and completely unbearablen (and you need to be able to keep yourself accountable every morning to take the pill).  I suffered as severe alcoholic for years (definitely did not help the depression), and absolutely caused such a toll on my life and made everything worse.  Antabuse was a really big turning point for me.  I finally decided I couldn't take the mounting depression, anxiety, and my bipolar becoming out of control.  It  was a struggle at first, but soon taking it just fell into my normal routine and I truly believe not drinking alcohol is what changed my life and gave me more of a sense of freedom/ capable of managing my own mental health (but not without my good old psychiatrist and psychologist .)

I truly hope she is able to have the antabuse help her take step one in learning how to grieve in a healthy way

Anyhow, I am glad to hear things are going in the right direction for you.  Please keep us updated.

Sending prayers your way!!

[Naomi]

Thanks for keeping us updated. I'm so glad to read that things are getting better. Sending positive vibes your way!

[Furyan66]

Greetings all...

Everything has been going as good as it can be. ii went to the doctor with her and got her a script for Antabuse to help her keep off that damn Tequila. Since she is already on Zoloft the doctor also gave her a script for Alprazolam but she is still determined not to want to use any Benzo.

All in all she is doing better as long as she can keep on this route and stay off the alcohol.

she has another appointment with nher Psychologist this Friday so we will see what happens there.

I know she will NEVER get over this but she needs to honor her son and move on. Not forget but just move on with her life as I know that's what her son would have wanted.

I know easier said than done..

Peace All

Fury

Wonderful to hear, Fury. The situation is definitely moving in the right direction. Even if she won't take the ALP at this time, she has obtained the script for it. Antabuse is a hard way to go to come off of alcohol, but it does work. It is usually prescribed when it is absolutely imperative that a person get off of it. Its obvious that the doc is taking things seriously. I wish that he would reconsider the Zoloft and put her on a SSRI instead, but that is his call, of course. At least he is trying to cover the excitatory effects of the Zoloft with the ALP, though, It sounds like everything is starting to come together. You make a hugely important observation when you say that it is what her son would have wanted. So important that she realizes that. Nothing will ever totally take the pain away, put recognizing that her son would want her to be at peace can at least add a tiny bit of comfort. Like you say, its all easier said than done, but great to hear that there is movement in a positive direction. God bless.  RM

Hey RM, maeve and Naomi and all else who read this and provide any type of advice...

IT'S MUCH APPRECIATED!!!

I figure now that she has the Antabuse we will take things one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or even minute at a time when she has a bad day. I know being diagnosed with PTSD sometimes it's just making it through to the next minute iz a challenge.

She is strong and does realize how upset her son would be with her if he knew she started drinking again (something tells me he does know if you believe) and I always try and remind her of what her son would have wanted for her.


Time does NOT heal all wounds but I know if she can stay off the alcohol she can learn to move on and live with it. Not forget but honor her son by living the rest of her life to the fullest she can. She is always going to have her bad days but without the alcohol she can get through them with the help of her family and friends and all the love and support she iz getting from them.

RM with her being on Zoloft and still refusing to take any type of Benzo I did make a comment about the SSRI treatment you suggested but her doctor wants to stay this course of meds for the time being.

Not sure if I mentioned this before but she is also a cancer survivor and does use MM. This does help her to take the edge off when she is having a bad day so if that works for her since she refuses to take any Benzo's I am all for it. With having PTSD myself I know MM sure helps me from time to time when the Benzo's I take don't quite do the trick.

She is still learning how to deal with all this and trying to find out what combination of things provides her the best relief. Medication, meditation etc since everyone's body reacts different.

I will keep you all posted and thanks again.

Have a blessed day

Peace All

Fury

[Rafterman]

Greetings all...

Everything has been going as good as it can be. ii went to the doctor with her and got her a script for Antabuse to help her keep off that damn Tequila. Since she is already on Zoloft the doctor also gave her a script for Alprazolam but she is still determined not to want to use any Benzo.

All in all she is doing better as long as she can keep on this route and stay off the alcohol.

she has another appointment with nher Psychologist this Friday so we will see what happens there.

I know she will NEVER get over this but she needs to honor her son and move on. Not forget but just move on with her life as I know that's what her son would have wanted.

I know easier said than done..

Peace All

Fury

Wonderful to hear, Fury. The situation is definitely moving in the right direction. Even if she won't take the ALP at this time, she has obtained the script for it. Antabuse is a hard way to go to come off of alcohol, but it does work. It is usually prescribed when it is absolutely imperative that a person get off of it. Its obvious that the doc is taking things seriously. I wish that he would reconsider the Zoloft and put her on a SSRI instead, but that is his call, of course. At least he is trying to cover the excitatory effects of the Zoloft with the ALP, though, It sounds like everything is starting to come together. You make a hugely important observation when you say that it is what her son would have wanted. So important that she realizes that. Nothing will ever totally take the pain away, put recognizing that her son would want her to be at peace can at least add a tiny bit of comfort. Like you say, its all easier said than done, but great to hear that there is movement in a positive direction. God bless.  RM

Hey RM, maeve and Naomi and all else who read this and provide any type of advice...

IT'S MUCH APPRECIATED!!!

I figure now that she has the Antabuse we will take things one day at a time. Sometimes one hour or even minute at a time when she has a bad day. I know being diagnosed with PTSD sometimes it's just making it through to the next minute iz a challenge.

She is strong and does realize how upset her son would be with her if he knew she started drinking again (something tells me he does know if you believe) and I always try and remind her of what her son would have wanted for her.


Time does NOT heal all wounds but I know if she can stay off the alcohol she can learn to move on and live with it. Not forget but honor her son by living the rest of her life to the fullest she can. She is always going to have her bad days but without the alcohol she can get through them with the help of her family and friends and all the love and support she iz getting from them.

RM with her being on Zoloft and still refusing to take any type of Benzo I did make a comment about the SSRI treatment you suggested but her doctor wants to stay this course of meds for the time being.

Not sure if I mentioned this before but she is also a cancer survivor and does use MM. This does help her to take the edge off when she is having a bad day so if that works for her since she refuses to take any Benzo's I am all for it. With having PTSD myself I know MM sure helps me from time to time when the Benzo's I take don't quite do the trick.

She is still learning how to deal with all this and trying to find out what combination of things provides her the best relief. Medication, meditation etc since everyone's body reacts different.

I will keep you all posted and thanks again.

Have a blessed day

Peace All

Fury

Thank you for the continuing updates, Fury. I do feel somewhat better knowing that she is making use of MM. I think that she will soften up on her stance against the benzo's eventually. I am glad that you brought up to the doc to possibility of the SSRI in place of the Zoloft. Even if he respectfully shot it down, he may come back around to the idea later. As I said in a previous post, the best thing that he did was give her the script for the benzo, even if she won't fill it. It tells me that he is working with you. Some counselors are quick to choose a treatment modality for a client and then let the thing run on auto-pilot. They are afraid to jump in and tweak things. Glad to see that this guy is not into one-size-fit-all, cookie cutter psychology. My best to you both.  RM

[Furyan66]

good evening all...

Just thought I would post an update..

There are good days, bad days and just horrible days.

When a mother looses her only child what can be said? What can be done?

We can keep her in a pretty good state of mind as long as we keep her busy. It's still the time alone that she has to spend as none of us can be with her 24/7. She gets by herself and that's when her mind just starts to run wild. I was told these are called "racing thoughts".

She has been making use of her antibuse but not on the regular every day basis that she needs to be. She has fallen off the wagon a few times since I last posted.

She is still going to Psychologist but honestly what can he say either. Just things we already know

I try to understand but how does one understand a mother loosing her son. IMPOSSIBLE!!!

He had passed away last October and up until this point she has wanted to keep his room exactly as it is even going so far as still smelling his cloths.

Now here's where I need advice.

I do not think this is healthy at all as all it is to me is an anchor holding her back from being able to move forward. This Saturday we are planning on finally cleaning out his room with respect. I have arranged to have several family members and close friends that have all offered to come over and help out with this awful task.

When we start I know she is going to breakdown right away and possibly even demand we not do it.

I have re assured her we will go through everything respectfully and box things up for future memories except for a few things this young man had that I think should be on a mantle or something to honor him.

I'd really like ANY feedback as it has only been 4 months (seems like yesterday) but how long can you go on like this without moving forward.

Thanks for any advice in advance

Peace All

Fury

[Naomi]

good evening all...

Just thought I would post an update..

There are good days, bad days and just horrible days.

When a mother looses her only child what can be said? What can be done?

We can keep her in a pretty good state of mind as long as we keep her busy. It's still the time alone that she has to spend as none of us can be with her 24/7. She gets by herself and that's when her mind just starts to run wild. I was told these are called "racing thoughts".

She has been making use of her antibuse but not on the regular every day basis that she needs to be. She has fallen off the wagon a few times since I last posted.

She is still going to Psychologist but honestly what can he say either. Just things we already know

I try to understand but how does one understand a mother loosing her son. IMPOSSIBLE!!!

He had passed away last October and up until this point she has wanted to keep his room exactly as it is even going so far as still smelling his cloths.

Now here's where I need advice.

I do not think this is healthy at all as all it is to me is an anchor holding her back from being able to move forward. This Saturday we are planning on finally cleaning out his room with respect. I have arranged to have several family members and close friends that have all offered to come over and help out with this awful task.

When we start I know she is going to breakdown right away and possibly even demand we not do it.

I have re assured her we will go through everything respectfully and box things up for future memories except for a few things this young man had that I think should be on a mantle or something to honor him.

I'd really like ANY feedback as it has only been 4 months (seems like yesterday) but how long can you go on like this without moving forward.

Thanks for any advice in advance

Peace All

Fury

Hi Fury. I haven't lost a child, but I have lost family and have been told conflicting info from psychiatrists. Some say to remove all pictures of the person so you're not constantly reminded of them or thinking of them. I understand where that is coming from, but it feels a bit cold. I've also had experience with leaving the room as a shrine almost. Indefinitely. Or sometimes, like you're thinking about, going through everything and getting it out of there. I think you can only go with what feels right, since every situation is so different. I hope you both figure out what works best for you both.

[Rafterman]

good evening all...

Just thought I would post an update..

There are good days, bad days and just horrible days.

When a mother looses her only child what can be said? What can be done?

We can keep her in a pretty good state of mind as long as we keep her busy. It's still the time alone that she has to spend as none of us can be with her 24/7. She gets by herself and that's when her mind just starts to run wild. I was told these are called "racing thoughts".

She has been making use of her antibuse but not on the regular every day basis that she needs to be. She has fallen off the wagon a few times since I last posted.

She is still going to Psychologist but honestly what can he say either. Just things we already know

I try to understand but how does one understand a mother loosing her son. IMPOSSIBLE!!!

He had passed away last October and up until this point she has wanted to keep his room exactly as it is even going so far as still smelling his cloths.

Now here's where I need advice.

I do not think this is healthy at all as all it is to me is an anchor holding her back from being able to move forward. This Saturday we are planning on finally cleaning out his room with respect. I have arranged to have several family members and close friends that have all offered to come over and help out with this awful task.

When we start I know she is going to breakdown right away and possibly even demand we not do it.

I have re assured her we will go through everything respectfully and box things up for future memories except for a few things this young man had that I think should be on a mantle or something to honor him.

I'd really like ANY feedback as it has only been 4 months (seems like yesterday) but how long can you go on like this without moving forward.

Thanks for any advice in advance

Peace All

Fury

HI Fury,
What did the psychologist say about the idea of cleaning out his room? The reason I would be curious to know is that he has a better handle on this particular case. In my opinion, I wouldn't move forward with that right now. I know that it has been 4 months, but it's impossible to put a specific time limit on such a thing. For some people, it can take a month and for some it could take years. It doesn't necessarily mean they're there can't be forward progress until you clean out that room. What she is working on doing right now is compartmentalizing what happened and trying to live along side it. That is the hardest task in the world. While she is busy doing that, she is making forward progress even though it might not seem that way. She still gets a sense of comfort in the fact that his personal effects still exist in their original setting. Some people who lose a loved one are comforted buy things like that, and some of mortified. If she is gaining comfort from that, I see no reason to stop her from indulging in it right now, as you gauge her progress with the compartmentalization of the tragedy. It may seem like it's been a long time, but to her this action might seem like the "band-aid" approach. Has her psychologist engaged her in group therapy with others who have had a similar loss? Maybe let her talk with someone who has successfully compartmentalised the same kind of tragedy? When she gets ready to have the room cleaned out, the best possible people to be with her would be people who have gone through something similar. That really helps quite a bit. But as you say, how does someone ever really get over this? They don't. They make a decision to live with it and to go on, but only they will know when they take a big step like you were talking about. Granted, if she isn't making any progress many months down the road, you may want to consider the issue again. But unless she is the one who comes to you asking to initiate this clean out, I would hold back for right now. Again, I would be curious to know what her psychologist thinks. Please post back. Warm regards, RM

[Slick]

Hi Fury.  I have been reading your updates and praying for you and your SO.  I understand your point of view on cleaning the room out.  BUT please try to give HER the decision of when that should happen.  I don't mean to let it go for years, but her baby of 23 YEARS has only been gone FOUR months.  To her, there are probably days she wakes up and it does not even hit her right away.  Then there are the nights she can't do anything but think of him.
I guess what I am trying to say is it is 4 months for everyone else BUT for her.  For her, in her emotional state, that 4 months probably runs thru time frames of hours, days, weeks and I'm sure she re-lives the very time she was told about it.  Just be gentle with her.  I have seen first hand what losing a child (by any way, at any age) can do to a mother.  Time, my friend, does not HEAL the wound.  It only dulls the edges.  
My heart goes out to the both of you.

Slick 

[G.Elias]

Been away for a while and hadn't seen this before,puts some things into perspective for me at least,really sad to read what you have both been going through Fury,i am no expert on things like this so cannot offer any advise,just hope that things do start to get better for all,sounds like you have been through the mill,hang in there and things will start to improve for you both sooner rather than later hopefully.
all the best to you and yours.

[Iloveaparade]

I just want to offer my support Furyan66. I have my own story to tell on a number of topics that will come out over time but my thoughts and good spirit are with you. I am hanging on your every word and hoping for the best. I don't have any advice to offer just an ear to listen. I'm wishing that your sincere love, support and encouragement are enough to help your friend through this very difficult time.