Political Jokes

[Grandote]

Some will say all the politicians are jokes. I'll start it off

If Trump succeeds Obama as President, does that mean orange is the new black? 

[Grandote]

There was an old man named Bernie
who went on a presidential journey.
But the lady who won,
would cheat her own son
and learned it by being an attorney.

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World's shortest books

1. The Engineer's Guide To Fashion
2. Things I Wouldn't Do For Money by Dennis Rodman
3. Human Rights Advances In China
4. The Differences Between Reality And Dilbert
5. The Book Of Virtue by Bill Clinton
6. To All The Men I've Loved Before by Ellen DeGeneres
7. My Plan To Find The Real Killers by OJ Simpson
8. Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes
9. Al Gore: The Wild Years
10. Amelia Earhart's Guide To The Pacific
11. Easy UNIX /* GCFL: come on! it's not that difficult! :-) */
12. Ethiopian Tips On World Dominance
13. Everything Men Know About Women
14. Everything Women Know About Men
15. George Foreman's Big Book Of Baby Names
16. How to Sustain a Musical Career by Art Garfunkel
17. Staple Your Way to Success
18. The Amish Phone Book
19. America's Most Popular Lawyers
20. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
21. Detroit - A Travel Guide
22. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
23. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
24. French Hospitality
25. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
26. One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA

[Grandote]

How does Donald Trump plan on deporting 12 million illegal immigrants?
Juan by Juan.

What airline does Donald Trump aspire to fly?
Hair Force One!

We could completely eliminate car thefts....
.... by making every car alarm sound like Hillary Clinton's laugh.

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OK, one more by popular demand

*********
I took down my Rebel flag (which you can't buy on e-bay any more) and peeled the NRA sticker off the front door.

I disconnected my home alarm system and quit the Neighborhood Watch.

I bought two Pakistani flags and put one at each corner of the front yard. Then I purchase the black flag of ISIS (which you CAN buy on e-bay) and put it in the CENTER of the yard.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've NEVER felt safer and I'm saving $69.95 a month that ADT charged me.

[Grandote]

OK ok, just one more.

Dear Abby

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job 15 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter got married he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.

What should I do?
Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.

[Grandote]

I know you want more so here it is

Why does Donald Trump prefer E.T. to illegal immigrants?
Because E.T. eventually went home!

What do Donald Trump and a baby have in common?
They both whine alot!

Why are Muslims worried about Trumps immigration plans?
Once you deport Juan you deport Jamal.

If the Establishment has it's way, the last thing Trump will say at the Republican National Convention is "Et Tu Brute?"

How does Donald Trump intend to spice up the Republican Convention?
By relocating it to a casino!

[Grandote]

TRICKLE DOWN ECONOMICS EXPLAINED:
1) Rich people make money
2) It "trickles down" to offshore banks
3) Government closes libraries/hospitals

Just to show I make fun of all equally, here are some bernie jokes

Bernie Sanders, while campaigning in California this weekend, is staying in a luxurious penthouse suite. However, to prove he is man of the people, he allowed his waitress at the hotel's extravagant restaurant eat his leftovers.

Q: What did Bernie Sanders tell police after he crashed his car?
A: He blamed it on the Republicans.

Meet the Press host Chuck Todd asked Bernie Sanders about Hillary Clinton's criminal misuse of private email servers while she was Secretary of State. Bernie vowed to look into the matter just as soon as his staff had a chance to explain to him what in the dickens email servers are.

Q: How would there be more millionaires if Socialist Bernie Sanders is President?
A: They started as Billionaires.

Q: What slogan is on the Bernie Sanders campaign bumpersticker?
A: Do not steal - the government does not like competitors!

[Grandote]

I left one out didn't I?

Barack Obama at a recent rural elementary school assembly in East Texas , asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.
Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'
Then, little Richard Earl , with a proud East Texas drawl, pierced the quiet and said: ''Well, dumb-ass, stop clapping!'

[Grandote]

Some VP jokes

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

[Grandote]

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”
The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, “I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me.”

The Chicago contractor doesn’t measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, “$2,700.” The official, incredulous, says, “You didn’t even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?” The Chicago contractor whispers back, “$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence.” “Done!” replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the stimulus plan works

[Grandote]

I am sick and tired of people saying that the
Government is spending money like a drunken sailor.

As a former drunken sailor I can say for a fact that we know how to stop spending when we run out of money.

************

Hillary's Deal With the Devil

Hillary was finishing up a day as Senator for New York when the Devil suddenly appeared in her office and made her an offer...

"I am here to offer you a deal," the Devil said. "I will give you unlimited wealth, even more power, and a media that will pander to your every whim. In return, all I ask for is your soul, the souls of every member of your family, and the souls of all your constituents."

Hillary pondered for a moment and then asked, "Unlimited wealth and power?"

"Absolutely unlimited," the Devil asserted.

"A pandering media?" she asked.

"They'll fall over themselves to support you, no matter what you say or do," the Devil assured.

"And you want my soul, my family's souls, and the souls of my constituents?" she asked.

"Yes. All of them," the Devil answered.

Hillary was deep in thought for a moment, then finally spoke:

"So...what's the catch?"