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And that's how the fight started
#1
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started.....

*********************************

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started..

******************************

My wife and I were at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...

************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started......

************************

I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
The start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's when the fight started.......


Just a little humor .... Hope it made you smile ... Sometimes a little laugh is all it takes to make another day .... Lol
Semper Fidelis

[Image: SyAa0qj.png]

USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit
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#2
(06-21-2015, 10:49 PM)IceWizard Wrote: One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's when the fight started.....

*********************************

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said,'Is that your final answer?'

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started..

******************************

My wife and I were  at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunk swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed, he's my old boyfriend. He began drinking right after we split up years ago, and hasn't been sober since."

"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

And that's when the fight started...

************************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that's when the fight started......

************************

I rear-ended a car this morning . . .
The start of a really bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's when the fight started.......


Just a little humor .... Hope it made you smile ... Sometimes a little laugh is all it takes to make another day .... Lol

IceWizard that is some pretty good funnies you have posted. 

It there a common thread to put all the funnies, I like to post funny captioned pictures…. Smile Smile Tongue Tongue Big Grin

Our forum is still evolving in a good way all the time, I  Heart our forum!
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#3
Here is some Steven Wright jewels.

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance.

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was
locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He
said, "Yes, but not in a row."

I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
furious!

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing
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#4
I just love Stephen ... He is one funny guy ... I guess that type of humor really strikes the funny bone on me ....

Quote:Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the
scenic route.

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory.
You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

those are absolutly hillarious ....
Semper Fidelis

[Image: SyAa0qj.png]

USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit
Reply
#5
Sad 
Well IceWizard, they weren't "fight" jokes, but Wright does come up with some funny stuff. I haven't seen him on TV since I was a kid. I'll have to Google and see if he is even still alive. He was my second deadpan comedian after the master, Rodney Dangerfield. You'd have to see Wright's face telling his jokes to really appreciate him. He kinda looked like Larry Howard of The Three Stooges, hair and all, only black hair. The dude never cracked a smile. Speaking of the great Dangerfield may he RIP. He and Robin Williams gone forever and there will never be others like them again.. The world became a little less funny and fun the days those two passed away.

Have a good evening. =)
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#6
(06-22-2015, 01:42 AM)Zander Wrote: Well IceWizard, they weren't "fight" jokes, but Wright does come up with some funny stuff. I haven't seen him on TV since I was a kid. I'll have to Google and see if he is even still alive. He was my second deadpan comedian after the master, Rodney Dangerfield. You'd have to see Wright's face telling his jokes to really appreciate him. He kinda looked like Larry Howard of The Three Stooges, hair and all, only black hair. The dude never cracked a smile. Speaking of the great Dangerfield may he RIP. He and Robin Williams gone forever and there will never be others like them again.. The world became a little less funny and fun the days those two passed away.

Have a good evening. =)

What about the girls: hope it's not too racy by Bette  Midler:

My boy friend Ernie asks, Soph, how come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?
Soph: because you are never around.

The doorbell rings. The delivery guy has 2 dozen roses. Soph reads the card, love your boyfriend Ernie. Soph is having tea with her friend Clementine. Soph says, you know what this means? Two weeks on my back with my legs in the air. Clementine says, what's the matter Soph, ain't ya got a vase?
Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift; that’s why they call it the present.

Eleanor Roosevelt

 You can observe a lot by just watching. Yogi Berra
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#7
this thread is great. thank u so much for starting this. and to those whom shared in it.

i even had one for my good sis to use when she visits people in nursing homes.

thank u guys. u rule.
Angel  It is Well with My Soul  Angel


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