Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news" says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant".

"Go for it doc" says the man "as long as I can play golf again!"

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great" says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved".

"That's great" said the surgeon.

"Not only that" continued the golfer "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors".

"That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just two, said the golfer "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get aroused, I get a headache".

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At the Sunday morning church service, the minister asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle crash and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was terrible and the doctors didn't know if they could help him".

You could hear a muffled gasp from all the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

"Tom was unable to hold me or the children" she went on "and every movement caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a very delicate operation, which lasted for over five hours, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place".

Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery that was performed on Tom.

"Now" she announced in a quavering voice "thank the Lord, after six weeks, Tom is now out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely".

All the men sighed with relief.

The minister rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium.

He said "I'm Tom". The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is STERNUM".


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The value of a Good Vocabulary: I called an old mate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment". I was very impressed. Upon further inquiry, I learned he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.


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The wife got dressed up for a night out with her friends, then she walked into the lounge and asked me to rate her.

"8 or 9 at least" I said.

"Out of 10?" she smiled... "Thanks, babe, I'm flattered".

Didn't have the heart to tell her I meant beers...


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Before Marriage...


He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!


After marriage...Just read from bottom to top..