Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Too funny Willie

Grumbling about the distance between campus buildings, a daughter wrote home to her father, 

who happened to be a veterinarian, asking for money to buy a second-hand motorcycle.

By the time the money arrived, she had changed her mind and bought a monkey instead.

After several weeks, the monkey started losing its hair. 

Hoping her father would know how to cure it, she wrote him a letter.

"Dad, please help. All the hair is falling off my monkey. What should I do?"

A couple of days later, she received a reply from her worried father. 

It read "Sell the damn motorcycle!"

************************************************************

Old Antonio, is really tight with his money, reckons he is going to take 

all his money with him when he dies.

Maria, his good wife of many years, protests profusely, 

"Antonio, you cannota take da money, what about me and da children?"

Antonio replies: "Screw you, its my money and I earned it!"

So duly on the day of Antonio's funeral, Maria and the kids are crying over pappas coffin, 

when one of the children speaks up: "Momma you didn't give pappa the money did you?"

Maria replied: "Yes I gave the dead tight fisted jerk his damn money, 

it's in a cheque, let's see him cash that!"


************************************************************

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of crabs. 

A female crew member took the
box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator, 

which she did.

The man firmly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for 

the crabs staying frozen,
and proceeded to rant and rave about what would happen 

if she let the crabs thaw out.

Shortly before landing in New York, she announced over the intercom 

to the entire cabin,

'Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?'

Not one hand went up.

************************************************************

"Doc" said the young man lying down on the couch 

"You've got to help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream - 

I'm lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes".

The psychiatrist nodded "And what do you do?"

"I push them away!"

"I see. And what can I do to help you with this?"

The patient implored "Please break my arms!"

************************************************************

A woman asks her husband at breakfast time 

"Would you like some Bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, 

and maybe some grapefruit juice and Coffee?"

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. 

It's this Viagra" he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite".

At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. 

"How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra" he says "really trashes my desire for food".

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 

"Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? 

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No" he says "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry".

"Well" she says "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving".


************************************************************


The owner and bartender of a bar was so sure that he was the strongest man around,

 that he offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and 

then hand the lemon to the patron. Anyone who could squeeze two more drops of juice out of it, 

would win the money. Many people had tried over the years: weightlifters, truckers, footballers etc, 

but nobody had ever been able to do it.

One day, this scrawny little bloke came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit. 

He sat down, ordered a pint of vodka, and started looking around the bar.

After reading the sign on the wall about the lemon challenge, he said in a small voice 

"I was just reading your sign and I'd like to try the bet".

After the laughter had died down the bartender said: "Okay..."

He grabbed a lemon and squeezed the heck out of it... 

then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little guy. 

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon... 

and six drops fell into the glass!

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the guy his $1000, and then asked little man: 

"Do you mind if I ask what you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weightlifter, or what?"

The little bloke quietly replied "I work for The Tax Department".


************************************************************

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.

She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." 

with that,she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled,

"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"

As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed...

"Yes! Yes! I won, I won!"
She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly parted.

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked,
"What did she roll?"

The other answered,

"I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks,

not all blondes are dumb,

but boys will be boys !!