A guy phones a law office and says
"I want to speak to my lawyer".
The receptionist replies
"I'm sorry but he died last week".
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies
"I told you yesterday, he died last week".
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy responds
"Because I just love hearing it".
**********
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence,
and as he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought,
well that's a little condescending.
**********
Brit Military Humor
During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with
a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your car stuck, sir?"
asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope,"
replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.
"Yours is." ....RHIP.
**********
Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery,
when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past,
barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.
"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise.
"He was sure moving!"
The other crow replies:
"I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides
and both of them were on fire !"
**********
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said:
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
"Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
When 24 men raised their hands, the Sergeant asked the other man:
"Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied:
"Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
**********
A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were
fishing together when a sudden storm hit.
When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling
helplessly in the water.
The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and
pulled himself painfully in.
Then he fished out the General, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed:
"Please don't say a word about this to anyone.
If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."
"Don't worry,"
the general said. "Your secret is safe.
I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
**********
A married woman calls her lover home
during the day while her husband is at work and her son is at school.
However, her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them in the act & hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She hurriedly pushes her lover into the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says,
"Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
The next week it happens again and the boy & the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside & have a game of catch."
The boy says,
"I can't. I sold my baseball & my glove."
The father asks, "How much did u sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,..
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take u to
church & make you confess."
They go to the church & the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth & he closes the door.
The boy says,
"Dark in here."
The priest says,
"Don't start that shlt again."
**********
![[Image: Ffqhi5f.png]](https://i.imgur.com/Ffqhi5f.png)
**********
I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.
And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.
"I want to speak to my lawyer".
The receptionist replies
"I'm sorry but he died last week".
The next day he phones again and asks the same question.
The receptionist replies
"I told you yesterday, he died last week".
The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.
By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies
"I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"
The guy responds
"Because I just love hearing it".
**********
There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence,
and as he jumped down, he sneered at me and I thought,
well that's a little condescending.
**********
Brit Military Humor
During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a
muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with
a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.
"Your car stuck, sir?"
asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.
"Nope,"
replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys.
"Yours is." ....RHIP.
**********
Two crows were flying along slowly minding their own business enjoying the scenery,
when all of a sudden out of the blue an F/A-18E/F Super Hornet goes screaming past,
barely missing the now somersaulting, and wildly flapping crows.
"Oh my God!" exclaims one crow in surprise.
"He was sure moving!"
The other crow replies:
"I reckon you would be too if you had two backsides
and both of them were on fire !"
**********
A Sergeant was addressing a squad of 25 and said:
"I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here.
"Put up your hand if you are the laziest."
When 24 men raised their hands, the Sergeant asked the other man:
"Why didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied:
"Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."
**********
A famous Admiral and an equally famous General were
fishing together when a sudden storm hit.
When it died down both renowned warriors were struggling
helplessly in the water.
The Admiral floundered his way back to the boat and
pulled himself painfully in.
Then he fished out the General, using an oar.
Catching his breath, he puffed:
"Please don't say a word about this to anyone.
If the Navy found out I can't swim I'd be disgraced."
"Don't worry,"
the general said. "Your secret is safe.
I'd hate to have my men find out I can't walk on water."
**********
A married woman calls her lover home
during the day while her husband is at work and her son is at school.
However, her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly,
sees them in the act & hides in the bedroom closet to watch.
The woman's husband also comes home.
She hurriedly pushes her lover into the closet,
not realizing that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says,
"Dark in here."
The man says, "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball."
Man - "That's nice."
Boy - "Want to buy it?"
Man - "No, thanks."
Boy - "My dad's outside."
Man - "OK, how much?"
Boy - "$250"
The next week it happens again and the boy & the lover are in the closet together.
Boy - "Dark in here."
Man - "Yes, it is."
Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy,
"How much?"
Boy - "$750"
Man - "Fine."
A few days later, the father says to the boy,
"Grab your glove, let's go outside & have a game of catch."
The boy says,
"I can't. I sold my baseball & my glove."
The father asks, "How much did u sell them for?"
Boy - "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that,..
that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take u to
church & make you confess."
They go to the church & the father makes the little boy sit in the
confession booth & he closes the door.
The boy says,
"Dark in here."
The priest says,
"Don't start that shlt again."
**********
**********
I saw a crying kid and asked him where his parents were.
And that's how I lost my job at the orphanage.
Semper Fidelis
![[Image: SyAa0qj.png]](https://i.imgur.com/SyAa0qj.png)
USMC
USMC
Nemo me impune lacessit