Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

The Difference between Heaven and Hell

In Heaven:
The cooks are French

In Hell:
The cooks are English


In Heaven:
The policemen are English

In Hell:
The policemen are German


In Heaven:
The mechanics are German

In Hell:
The mechanics are French


In Heaven:
The lovers are Italian

In Hell:
The lovers are Swiss,


In Heaven:
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:
The bankers are Italian ....
and there are no arguments with loan repayments !



**********


A friend of mine accidentally took a swig from a bottle of Tippex
instead of his liquid Viagra.

Now he’s got a massive correction.


**********



A reporter was interviewing a woman who was celebrating her 100th birthday.

"And why do you think it is that you have reached such a wonderful old age?"
he asked.

"It is because I believe in moderation in all things,"
she replied.
"I have always practiced moderation in drink, diet and exercise,
and that is why I have remained so healthy."

"But I understand you have often been bedridden?"
said the reporter.

"Of course I have!"
said the old lady.
"But don’t you dare put that in your newspaper!"



**********


An old man went into a car showroom with his young wife.

When the owner of the showroom began eyeing her up,
the old man proposed a wager.

He said,
"If you can do everything to my wife that I can do,
I will pay you double for the car. If you can’t,
you will give it to me for free!"

Being something of a ladies’ man,
the owner readily agreed to the wager.

The old man began by giving his wife a passionate kiss,
and the owner did the same.

Next, the old man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts,
whereupon the owner did the same.

Then the old man opened his fly,
pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half !

"What color car do you want?"
asked the owner.


**********


A general store owner hired a young female clerk who
used to wear short skirts and skimpy thongs to work.

One day a young man came in to the store and asked for some raisin bread.

As the raisin bread was located on the top shelf,
she had to climb a stepladder to reach it,
affording him a great view up her skirt.

He was so impressed by what he saw that when she came down,
he suddenly remembered he needed more raisin bread.
Just so that she would have to climb back up.

By now the other male customers in the store had cottoned on to
what was happening and they too, asked in turn for raisin bread.

Each time the girl dutifully climbed the ladder for the raisin bread
and each time they got an eyeful.

After half a dozen climbs in quick succession,
she began to get tired.

From the top step, she looked down at the group of men and
spotted an old man, who was yet to be served, staring up at her.

Trying to save herself another trip, she asked him,
"Is yours raisin, too?"

"No,"
he said,
"but it’s startin’ to twitch!"


**********


An eighty-year-old rancher was about to marry a young girl of twenty-one.

His trusted friend and adviser, the local banker,
had serious doubts as to how long an old man would be
able to satisfy such a young bride and feared for his friend’s happiness.

So, for the sake of matrimonial harmony,
he advised the old man to bring in a hired hand
to help around the ranch, knowing full well that
the hired hand would probably help out in the
bedroom, too, behind the old man’s back.

The rancher thought it was a great idea.

Four months later, the banker called on his friend.

"How’s your new wife?"
he asked.

"She’s pregnant,"
replied the old man.

The banker smiled knowingly.

"And how’s the hired hand?"

The old man smiled and said,
"Oh, she’s pregnant, too!"