Humorous Smilies

[IceWizard]

Mother

We were dressed and ready to go out for a
dinner and theatre evening.

We turned on a "night light", turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parrot, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local taxi company and
requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we
opened the front door to leave the house.

As we walked out the door, the cat we had
put out in the yard scooted back into the
house.

We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the parrot.

My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I
went back inside to get the cat.

The cat ran upstairs with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the
driver to know that the house would be
empty for the night, so she explained to the
taxi driver that I would be out soon.

"He's just going upstairs to say good-by to
my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove
away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under
the bed. I had to poke her ass with a coat
hanger to get her to come out. She tried to
take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then
I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, but it worked! I hauled her downstairs and threw her out into the backyard and she'd better not crap in the vegetable garden again!"

The silence in the Taxi was deafening.


The Golfer

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads: COLD BEER: $ 5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the
necessary money, the old golfer walks up to
the bar and beckons to the exceptionally
attractive female bartender who is serving
drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. “May I help?"

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are
you the one who gives the hand-jobs around
here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a
wide smile purrs, “Yes sir, I sure am.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into
her left ear says softly:
“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real
good, because I want a cheeseburger.”