If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~ Jay Leno
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~ Henry Cate, VII
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~ Aesop
If we got one-tenth of what was promised to us in these State of the Union speeches, there wouldn't be any inducement to go to heaven.
~ Will Rogers
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~ Nikita Khrushchev
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I'm beginning to believe it.
~Clarence Darrow
Why pay money to have your family tree traced; go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
~ Author unknown
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~ John Quinton
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer
I offer my opponents a bargain: if they will stop telling lies about us, I will stop telling the truth about them.
~ Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~ Tex Guinan
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson
There ought to be one day -- just one -- when there is open season on Congressmen.
~Will Rogers
So, I was walking in downtown New York when I saw that there was a "Muslim Bookstore." I was wondering what exactly was in a Muslim bookstore, so I went in. As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientel, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"
The clerk said, "F- off, get out and stay out!"
I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?”
Why is Hillary Clinton running for President?
Because it's easier than running from Law Enforcement.
What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer?
CHELSEA
"Hillary Clinton's new campaign slogan is 'Stronger Together.' Which replaces her old slogan, 'Goddammit, It's My Turn!'"
Hillary Clinton vowed to make stopping "lone wolf" terrorists a top priority if she is elected President. Hillary claimed that we should start by shutting down the FBI's investigation of her in order to free up the additional agents needed.
Q: When you apply for welfare in Mexico, what does the government give you?
A: A map of the United States.
Cows & Politics Explained
A SOCIALIST: You have two cows. The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
AN AMERICAN REPUBLICAN: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?
AN AMERICAN DEMOCRAT: You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for then take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You feel righteous.
A COMMUNIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
A FASCIST: You have two cows. The government seizes both and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a campaign of sabotage.
DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your government.
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, then pours the milk down the drain.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION: You have two cows. They are mad. They die. Pass the shepherd's pie, please.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.
A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation declares bankruptcy.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION: You have two cows. You worship both of them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported on them.
AN ISRAELI CORPORATION: You take 100 cows from your neighbors and declare the neighbors terrorists if they try to take them back.
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