elderly or sick parents and guilt.

[yellowdog]

I help look after my mother me and my many siblings and a nurse she likes, takes it in turns.
but she has a way of making me feel SO guilty if I don't call around daily,  I live close by and only work a few months a year so I have plenty of time.

my mum is looked after very well, she is very rarely left alone and everyone rallies around to help.

I have been told that my mum will not change and she knows how to push my buttons and people suggested I should limit my visits unless there is NO cover.

I'm the one that is there for her the most.

she is complaining that I had not visited her for 3 days
I have an urge to remind her that many children don't see their parents for months/years.

she does have a bad heart condition and balance and mobility problems and is likely to die before she gets really old.

I would feel so guilty if she died and we parted on bad terms.

I love her, but she is VERY difficult to get along with

and her remarks can be very cutting and hurtful

e.g ( I have never got any enjoyment of you)  ( if id known you would turn out the way you have I would have raised you very differently etc)

she does not believe in depression etc.

I have heard that many people are in situations like this, but those people are older and have a family for support.
I don't have anyone.

can anyone relate

[Linville]

Yes yellowdog you do make sense.
We have had threads before talking of similar things and loved ones being so hurtful in what they say.

There is another member who has spoken of taking care of their parents.
Hopefully they will come around again.

Good start for an interesting thread.

[cmdline]

I can relate a bit to such behavior, im over 30y old now and still my parents cling to me like leeches.Now they arent sick but they are getting older.

Specially my father he likes to throw similar remarks about my accomplishments etc, and hows hes disappointed even thou he never did reach anything in life himself.

I sort of though that eventually this thing will pass but seems as years go, they become them kids that need your attention.

Now cant say much about your mom being sick since theres to many factors , but its normal and alright not to be there every minute they demand, you have your own life to live and spending some time together is great to make memories, but once you get pushed into guilt for not being there so often, think having honest talk and telling how you feel but also that life moves on in such way that parent would realize is what's needed.

[Orange rabbit]

OMG don't even get me started.
OR

[yellowdog]

to all those in the same boat as me.

I took an entire afternoon googling and discovered some excellent advice and resources.

my advice is to take some time and look through various helpful resources.

There are too many links, but there is a lot of useful info out there.

it has helped me, hopefully others will benefit.

[Cricket]

to all those in the same boat as me.

I took an entire afternoon googling and discovered some excellent advice and resources.

my advice is to take some time and look through various helpful resources.

There are too many links, but there is a lot of useful info out there.

it has helped me, hopefully others will benefit.

Dog, I know how hard carin' for a parent can be. My mom was not fussy with me at all. She was always very good to me, but at times I was not so nice with her. I was the only one carin' for her and livin' with her. At times I would be in a lot of pain and tired and I'd get snappy with her for callin' to me every few minutes. It was very hard at times.

I can tell you that I now hate myself for actin' that way. She didn't deserve my fussin' at her, but sometimes when you don't feel well, you can get a bit snippy. Now that she's gone, I wish I could hear her callin' me. Life is soooooo different when their no longer with us.

All I can offer is, hang in there. She probably isn't feelin' too good and is frustrated with things and you just happen to be the one she takes it out on. I'm pretty sure she doesn't mean the things she says, so try to chalk it up to her health problems and try to let it go. Try to enjoy the time you have with her because you will wish you had when she is no longer with you.

Hang in there.

Cricket

[Mad Max]

Hi Cricket.
Your post, thank you for sharing.

[johnw4]

Yellowdog I really do feel for you. But, like you've been told, your Mom won't change. People get set in their ways. Try and think of that every time she says something and "pushes your buttons" and laugh it off, as you know that she knows that you know how she pushes your buttons!

My Mom passed a while ago now and in her final days she said some things that have always stayed with me, but people just say it was the cancer talking.

We did manage to laugh along with her insults, like when I had disappointed her in some tiny way, she said "I think I preferred you when you were a child" and I just replied "I think I preferred YOU when I was a child too!"...and we both cracked up.

[alsmom360]

Cricket and Yellowdog,

I know how both of you feel. There were years that went by too fast that I should have been a better child. There's 5 of us girls and one or more of us were always at odds with each other. I know now that I have my own 2 (daughters) when they are mad with each other....it hurts me. Now, I feel bad how my Mother must have felt. And us daughters are now in our 50's and 60's and some are still not talking with each other, now that Mom's gone, and it was always that way, it seems. My Mother was the opposite tho, she was demanding when she was well, but when she was terminal, for the last 2 months she was great really. She handled her illness with grace and dignity, never complained. I think she did alot of life reflecting when the end was near, I was very proud of her. I realized the woman who i thought was weak and needy, was really a very very strong woman with alot of courage. I do miss her dearly

[yellowdog]

Thanks everyone, my mother is in a better frame of mind now and yes I am fortunate she is still alive and their will be a day when she is not.
sorry for your loss cricket and thanks for reminding me that it could be a lot worse.
i need to keep myself in a good mental state for BOTH of us.
There is an old song with the lyrics " you will never niss your mothers love until she is burried beneath the clay" its a morbid but lovely folk song, i cant recall who sang it, but it really its home.
And