IOPList.Org

AOC unveils plan to fix Texas’s
energy problems








(WASHINGTON, DC)—

US Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has suggested the answer to the
near total failure of green energy in Texas last week is more green energy.

Many nay-sayers were skeptical of her claims because they seem blatantly illogical,
but AOC has doubled down on her claim and introduced a brilliant system to fix Texas’s
energy problems in a 100 percent green way.

“We can absolutely achieve 100 percent renewable energy,” Ocasio-Cortez said in the
demonstration while holding a common extension cord. “You see, you take the plug and
just plug it into one of the outlets and voila! 100% renewable energy!”

Ocasio-Cortez says that the principle can be scaled up to provide energy for whoever
has an extension cord.

One reporter asked if Ocasio-Cortez’s demonstration produced any electricity and she replied,
“Well of course it does! A consensus of scientists have said that this will produce 100%
renewable energy, so yes, it will.”

Bernie Sanders has lauded the plan. “No more mittens for me.
I’ll be using AOC energy from now on.”

Mike Lindell launches new company selling
Red Pills to wake people up !







(MINNEAPOLIS, MN)—

MyPillow CEO Mike Lindell has made a lot of money helping people get the best
sleep of their lives, but now he’s focused on helping people wake up with his new
company MyPill.

“Hello, I’m Mike Lindell, inventor of MyPill and like all of you I had trouble waking
up after getting such gosh darn good sleep on my MyPillows. That’s why 2 months
ago I invented MyPill to solve all of these waking up problems. I personally
guarantee MyPill will be the most eye-opening pill you’ll ever take!” Lindell says in
the new infomercial for the product being distributed through lindelltv.com.

Many people have sold red pills over the years but Lindell says that MyPill is unlike
anything that anyone has tried.

“We helped millions of Americans get the best sleep of their lives with MyPill and
now we want to help even more people to get the best wake of their lives too,”
Lindell said.

Fauci says Americans can stop wearing masks
in the year 3082







(WASHINGTON, DC)—

In a hopeful interview today on CBS, Dr. Anthony Fauci said that Americans be
able to stop wearing masks everywhere in the year 3082.

“The science is very clear on this,” Fauci said. “Even with the COVID vaccine,
it’s still isn’t safe enough to return to normal. There are other viruses and diseases
out there as well – the flu, pneumonia, cholera, rabies, polio, measles, Ebola, malaria,
chickenpox, smallpox, shingles, yellow fever, the bubonic plague and the common cold.
Until we totally eradicate all of these diseases, we’re going to have to mask up for
the next 1,000 years.”

Fauci also suggested other steps we can resume life as normal again sooner than later,
among them:

Quote:Social distancing at least 10,000 feet

Wearing 500 masks at once, and making sure there’s 6 feet in between each mask

Wearing a hazmat suit while taking a shower in your own home

Licking every doorknob in America to gain herd immunity from the virus

Turning off your television

When asked later which science he was following, Fauci replied that he’s following the
science of “whichever media outlet gives me the highest ratings.”

Biden taps gender-neutral Potato Head
as Agriculture Secretary








(WASHINGTON, DC)—

President Biden has selected the new gender-neutral Potato Head toy as Secretary of Agriculture,
enabling him to check several boxes of his intersectional cabinet in one fell swoop.

Biden confirmed this nomination in a press release Thursday evening just minutes after Hasbro
announced the new toy.

“I heard ‘gender-neutral’ and ‘potato’ in the same sentence and I thought, hot damn, I got me an
Agriculture Secretary!” Biden said before his daily lid at 11:30 am.

The gender-neutral Potato Head doll has not had any experience in any private or public sector position
and is not sentient, which makes it perfect for government.

Many voters are excited about the selection.

“We need more gender-neutral, gender-fluid, or ambiguous LGBTQAPPI?%$+ people in government telling
us what to do,” Biden voter Veronica Microstephally of Vermont said.

Biden is working with House Democrats on legislation to mandate that everyone in the US become a
gender-neutral potato by Summer.

Coca-Cola Unveils New Logo
Without Any White





(ATLANTA)—

In an effort to stay ahead of the woke curve, progressive soft drink company
Coca-Cola has introduced its new logo, which is its old logo of a white “Coca-Cola”
on a red field now without the white part.

Coke drinkers are impressed with the branding move.

“It really takes a genius to design something like this! I was subtly offended by
the old bottle. Now I’m no longer offended!” John Ramsey said.

Coca-Cola caught some flack for making all their white employees wear blackface
in order to hide their offensive whiteness. This move aims to fix the public relations
mess that created.

The company has also stated that they will be changing their motto officially to
“Be Less White.”

The marketing change was preceded by a promise by Vice President Kamala Harris
to remove the offensive white stripes from the American flag.

ALERT:

Pillsbury Doughboy reported missing







(MINNEAPOLIS, MN)
—
General Mills representative and pastry enthusiast, the Pillsbury Doughboy, has been reported missing
to the authorities. Police are not sure if he has been abducted or is a runaway but they ask the public
to help find him.

Those close to the doughboy claim he has been acting erratic since his Uncle Ben‘s recent disappearance.
His paranoia has only increased since also experiencing the loss of his Aunt Jemima and his close
butter-making Indian friend.

“He hasn’t been himself lately,” said his friend and frequent baker, Mrs. Smith. “He doesn’t even laugh when
I poke him the belly anymore. I hope he’s okay.”

The doughboy was last seen by neighbors yesterday running from his gingerbread house with Mrs. Butterworth
and entering an unmarked van. If you have any information to his whereabouts, please call the
Missing Mascots Hotline at (415) 556-4862.

All calls are kept anonymous to prevent you from being cancelled.

President Biden declares Eagles
Superbowl LV Champs by executive order







(WASHINGTON, DC)
—
At 5AM Eastern Time today President-Elect Biden issued another executive order, declaring the
Philadelphia Eagles the Super Bowl Champions for 2021. He also cancelled the actual game set
to be played between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

“I signed that order because it was the woke thing to do,” said Biden, a lifelong Eagles fan.
“Think of all the carbon emissions from people traveling. And all the electricity that will be used
up from people watching the game. C’mon man, Trump never canceled the game!”

Fox called the winner back in November.

President Biden also informed us that in spite of having corporate backing, the Superbowl was a
super-spreader event.

We pressed Biden further, but he had called a lid by shouting “I call a lid!”, spinning around three times,
and thumbing his nose at us before we could finish our question.
We interviewed Jenn Psaki, White House Press secretary instead.

“The Superbowl? Oh that,” said Psaki, “Eagles won.
Any further questions and I will have to circle back on that.”

“I do not understand Biden’s decision,” said Health Czar, Dr. Anthony Fauci, “the virus only spreads when
conservatives are in charge. Besides, every NFL player and fan in attendance were going to wear masks or
have their hands out like this! Biden legislated that and everything!”

We approached the Chief’s mascot, KC Wolf for comment. Due to the stress of the game being canceled,
Mr. Wolf had nothing to say but could only hang his head in sadness.

Other sources exclusive to the Genesius Times have confirmed that the Biden cabinet plan to shut down
the NFL entirely.

“The NFL and its games are an old, wrong way of thinking,” said Environment Czar John Kerry,
“Can’t these NFL players and referees just learn how to make solar panels?”

We attempted to contact Biden’s Economics Czar the well-known Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders, but Sanders
was too busy writing his new book on the evils of capitalism, at one of his newly acquired houses.

The NFL and the Superbowl are no more.

UPDATE: President Biden has just signed another executive order, overturning the cancellation of the
Super Bowl but maintaining the Eagles as winners.

Cuomo updates pronouns to herr/Führer







Breaking:

New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo today proclaimed,
“From this day forward, I will be referred to as, ‘herr/Führer’.
That’s how I self-identify.  If you don’t refer to me by my preferred
pronouns, it means you’re a fascist and a racist.
And probably a homophobe too because that’s what they’re like.
In fact if you don’t refer to me as smart and competent she’ll destroy you.”

He said, pointing at his second-in-command, Melissa DeRosa.

“And you better refer to her as, Mel ‘The Destroyer’ DeRosa,
if you know what’s good for you.” Added Cuomo.

Cuomo continued, “So no more calling me stupid and/or criminally incompetent
and/or all those other names now being bandied about in the media and government reports. 
It’s ‘smart and competent’ period.”

Using one-finger air quotes.

Reporter,
“So we have to refer to you as smart and competent period?”

Cuomo,
“No, you don’t say the ‘period’ part.”

Again using one-finger air quotes,
“It’s just ‘smart and competent’.”

Reporter,
“Can you spell that?
Maybe we’re not talking about the same thing-” 

Suddenly the questioner began to choke, having been caught in the arched eyebrow,
death-stare of DeRosa.

Grabbing his neck, he gasped, “OK. I get it. I get it.” 

The reporter seemed to recover as soon as DeRosa diverted her gaze back to her boss.

Wrapping up the press conference Coumo said,
“So we’re all clear:  I’m smart and component.”

Raising a hand someone asked,
“Don’t you mean-“ stopping as soon as they realized DeRosa was
now staring at them, beginning to arch an eyebrow,

“Never mind.”

Perhaps unrelated to this story, someone who looked a lot like
Whitehouse Press Secretary, Jen Psaki was seen taking
notes and what appeared to be practicing eyebrow arching.


Rumors of President Trump self-identifying as a Democrat
could not be confirmed or denied by press time.

BREAKING:

Biden promises to end Alzheimer’s by 2008







(WASHINGTON, DC)

—

For those still maintaining any doubts about his cognitive and mental state, the following
should clear things up: in a speech today, President Joe Biden promised to end Alzheimer’s
by the year 2008. Yes, you heard correctly – Biden promised to end the horrible disease 13 years ago.

“I believe we have the ability to finally eradicate Alzheimer’s and any other diseases of the nose,” Biden said.
“I’ve been working to end this disease since 1895, around the same time I became a senator.
If we commit all the resources of the federal government toward that goal,
I promise we’ll end Alzheimer’s by 2008.”

The media immediately went into defense mode to ‘clarify’ Biden’s remarks. “Of course Biden never
meant 2008 literally,” MSNBC’s Kyle Griffin tweeted. “What Biden meant to promise is that he’ll end
Alzheimer’s in the 21st century, and eight is Biden’s favorite number, so he conveniently chose a
year he feels comfortable with.”

The Washington Post also published a full-throttled defense of Biden’s remarks, noting in an article
on its website that, “Biden actually meant 2008+13 which equals 2021. His style of speech is very
deep and esoteric, and only a select few can understand the true meaning behind Biden’s words.”


Later, Biden also promised to end the bubonic plague by 1353.

Trump delivers his 5th State of the Union Speech
from Florida








(ORLANDO)
—
In a unique change of pace, President Trump delivered his fifth State of the Union speech to an
enthusiastic crowd in Florida.

The address is typically presented in a joint congressional audience, but nothing has been typical
about this presidency.

Trump spent most of the speech criticizing Joe Biden who is pretending to be president of the
United States.

“In one short month of Biden pretending to be president, we have gone from America First to
America Last,” he said.

Many across the world were shocked to hear a US president form a complete sentence for the
first time in over a month.

Trump focused predominantly on the escalating border crisis, which he returned to frequently
as he ripped into Biden’s rollbacks of a number of Trump-era policies – which the country is
letting him do despite only pretending to be president.

“By recklessly eliminating our border, security measures, controls, all the things we put into place,
fake president Joe Biden has triggered a massive flood of illegal immigration into our country like
we’ve never seen before.”

Many congresspeople were infuriated that President Trump gave the address to attendees in Florida
as opposed to Washington DC.

“We demand that President Trump come back to DC to give the speech properly in front of Congress,”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said before ripping up a copy of the speech.