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“I don’t know about that new pro,” said Cameron at the golf club.
“He may be a little strange."

“Why do you think that?” asked Francis.

“He just tried to correct my stance again,” said Cameron.

“So?” said Francis. “He’s just trying to help your game.”

“Yeah, I know, but I was standing at the urinal at the time.”


***************************************

A Chinese guy is sitting next to a Jewish fellow on an airplane.

Out of the blue, the Jewish fellow slaps the Chinese fellow so
hard that his head reverberates.

The Chinese guy asks, 'What did you do that for?'

The Jewish guy says, 'That was for Pearl Harbor..'

The Chinese guy says, 'But Pearl Harbor was bombed by the Japanese.'

The Jewish guy says, 'Japanese, Chinese, Korean, it's all the same to me.'

A few minutes of silence pass when out of the blue the Chinese guy slaps
the Jewish guy so hard that his head reverberates.

The Jewish guy asks 'What did you do that for?'

The Chinese guy says, 'That was for the Titanic..'

The Jewish guy says, 'But the Titanic was sunk by an iceberg.'

The Chinese guy says, 'Steinberg, Goldberg, Iceberg, it's all the same to me.'

*****************************************

I made the mistake of telling my husband an early symptom of
COVID is loss of smell.

He's taken to passing gas in my vicinity and then when I react,
informing me he is helpfully 'performing a health check'.

He taught the children the technique.

I may divorce him !

***********************************




***********************************

Paddy and his two friends are talking at a bar.

His first friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the electrician.
The other day I came home and found wire cutters under our bed and
they weren't mine.'

His second friend says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with the
plumber the other day I found a wrench under the bed and
it wasn't mine.'

Paddy says: 'I think my wife is having an affair with a horse.

Both his friends look at him with utter disbelief.

'No, I'm serious. The other day I came home and found a
jockey under our bed !'

**************************************

After being with my ex GF for about 6 months, I came home early

and caught her in the bed, with my best friend!!

The emotional stress was awful!
I told her sternly to pack up her stuff a leave instantly!

The Dr ask me, "Well what did you do to your best friend!?"

I told him, "I looked him dead in his eyes and said...
BAD DOG!!"

*************************************

What do you call a baby army
The Infantry



Do you know what baby computers call their Father ?
Data !



Some people think my dad jokes are childish
But that's crazy, they are full groan !



My wife asked me do I think our kids are spoiled
naah I said, I think all kids smell like them.



Who is bigger? Mrs Bigger? or Mr Bigger? or their baby.
The baby. He is a little Bigger !



The Police are tough in my neighborhood.
Just the other day they arrested a dog for giving birth to puppies
on the side of the road.

She was charged with littering.



My friend David lost his ID
Now I just call him Dave

Growing Old....


I'm Fine Thank You

There is nothing the matter with me
I'm as healthy as can be.

I have arthritis in both my knees
And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze,

My pulse is weak and my blood is thin,
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.



Arch supports I have for my feet,
Or I wouldn't be able to go on the street.

Sleep is denied me night after night,
But every morning I find I'm all right,

My memory is failing, my head's in a spin
But I'm awfully well for the shape I'm in.



The moral is this - as my tale I unfold,
That for you and me who are growing old,

It's better to say, "I'm fine" with a grin,
Than to let folks know the shape we're in.



How do I know that my youth is all spent?
Well my 'get up and go' has got up and went.

But I don't really mind when I think with a grin,
Of all the grand places 'my get up' has been.



Old age is golden, I've heard it said,
But sometimes I wonder as I get into bed,

With my ears in the drawer, my teeth in the cup,
My eyes on the table until I wake up.

Ere sleep overtakes me, I think to myself
Is there anything else I could lay on the shelf?



When I was young, my slippers were red;
I could kick my heels right over my head.

When I got older, my slippers were blue;
But still I could dance the whole night through.

But now I am old, my slippers are black;
I walk to the store and puff my way back.



I get up each day and dust off my wits,
And pick up the paper and read the 'obits'
.
If my name is still missing, I know I'm not dead -
So I have a good breakfast and go back to bed.

*********************




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*********************





*************************************

A man is walking down the street in Dublin when he sees a sign in the window
of a travel agency that says :

Cuises on Liffey River – $100.

He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and
throws him in the river.

Another man is walking down the street a half hour later,
sees the sign and pays the guy $100.

The travel agent then whacks him over the head and
throws him in the river.

Sometime later, the two men are floating down the river together
and the first man asks, “Do you think they’ll serve any
food on this cruise?”

The second man says, “I don’t think so.
They didn’t do it last year.”

*************************************


An Irishman went for an interview with one of the major
blue chip computer companies.

When the interview was over the interviewer told him that all
applicants had to complete a test. The interviewer took a piece
of paper and drew six vertical lines in pairs of two on the paper
and placed it in front of the Irishman.

“Could you please show me a clever way to make this into nine?”

After thinking for a while the Irishman took the pencil and drew a canopy
of leaves on top of the three pairs of lines, and handed the paper back
to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said: “But that is not nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman with a broad Irish accent,
“Tree + Tree + Tree make nine!”

The interviewer handed the paper back to the Irishman and asked
him to make it 99.

After thinking for a long while the Irishman scribbled up and down
the trunks and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said:
“But that is not ninety-nine!”

“Oh yes it is”, said the Irishman,
“Dirty tree + dirty tree + dirty tree make ninety-nine.”

The interviewer was now a bit cheesed off so he decided to do the
Irishman once and for all, therefore, he handed the paper back to
the Irishman and asked him to make it 100.

After thinking for a considerably longer time the Irishman suddenly
grabbed the pencil and drew a little blop on the bottom right-hand side
of each three and handed the paper back to the interviewer.

The interviewer looked at the drawings and said:
“But that is not 100!”

“Oh yes it most certainly is”, said the Irishman with a much
broader Irish accent,

“Dirty tree and a turd + dirty tree and turd + dirty tree and a turd,
make a 100


*************************************

She made his life miserable.
The only real peace he got was when he was
out in the field plowing.

One day while in the field, Seamus’s wife brought him his lunch.
Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream
of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly, Seamus’s old donkey kicked up his back legs,
struck her in the head killing her instantly.

At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their
sympathy, Seamus would nod his head up and down. But when the
men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head
from side to side.

After the mourners left, the Priest approached Seamus and asked,
“Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and
shook from side to side to all the men?”

Well, Seamus replied, “The women all said how nice she looked,
and her dress was so pretty,so I agreed by nodding my head
up and down.

And all the men asked,
"Is that donkey for sale?”


*************************************

Always remember ... Can be anybody !!





Hi Cynthia,

Me? I'm 17 years old and I am a law student at University of Southern California.
I train with martial arts several times a week, and my daddy gave me a Porsche
for my birthday because I help him in his dealership when I can.

Did you say you are a cheerleader ?
Any pics ?