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Texas Chili Contest

Nothing is more competitive in Texas than football on Friday nights.
Nothing, except a chili contest, that is.


If you can read this whole story without laughing then there's
no hope for you. I was crying by the end.

This is a scream!

Note:
Please take time to read this slowly.
If you pay attention to the first two judges,
the reaction of the third judge is even better.

For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time
Halloween comes around. It takes up a major portion
of a parking lot at the San Antonio City park.


The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank,
who was visiting from Springfield, IL.



“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the
Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting,
so I accepted."



Here are the scorecards from the advent:
(Frank is Judge #3)



Chili #1
Eddie's Maniac Monster Chili

•Judge # 1
A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

•Judge # 2
Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

•Judge # 3 (Frank)
Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.



Chili #2
Austin's Afterburner Chili

•Judge # 1
Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

•Judge # 2
Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.

•Judge # 3
Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
They had to rush in more beer when
they saw the look on my face.



Chili #3
Ronny's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

•Judge # 1
Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.

•Judge # 2
A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.

•Judge # 3
Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I'm getting shit-faced from all of the beer.



Chili #4
Dave's Black Magic

•Judge # 1
Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

•Judge # 2
Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

•Judge # 3
I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn
out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman
is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste
I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac



Chili #5
Lisa's Legal Lip Remover

•Judge # 1
Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

•Judge # 2
Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

•Judge # 3
My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told her that her chili had given me
brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding
by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder
if I'm burning my lips off. It really pisses me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.



Chili #6
Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety

•Judge # 1
Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

•Judge # 2
The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.

•Judge # 3
My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit on myself when
I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my ass with a snow cone.



Chili #7
Carla's Screaming Sensation Chili

•Judge # 1
A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.

•Judge # 2
Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am Worried about Judge # 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

•Judge # 3
You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in
one eye, and the world sounds like it is made
of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava to match my shirt. At least! during
the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
decided to stop breathing it's too painful.
Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If need air, I'll just suck it in through the
4-inch hole in my stomach.



Chili # 8 

Karen's Toenail Curling Chili

•Judge # 1
The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

•Judge # 2 
This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it.
Poor feller,
wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?