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Ballin in the woods

Little Johnny was doing his math homework.

He says out loud,
"One plus six, that son of a bi!ch is seven.
Four plus four, that son of a bi!ch is eight."

His mom overhears this and is shocked!
she says to him,
"What are you doing Johnny?"

Johnny replies,
"I am just doing my math homework."

"And is this is how your teacher taught you to do it?"
the mother asks.

"Yes," Johnny replies.

The mother is now angry and immediately phones
Johnny's teacher,
"What on earth are you teaching my son in class?"
she asks.

The teacher replies,
"Right now, we are learning mathematical addition."

The mother asks,
"And are you teaching them to say one plus six,
that son of a bi!ch is seven?"

After the teacher stopped laughing hysterically,
she answers,
"What I taught them to say was,
one plus six, the sum of which is seven."


*****



Little Johnny was in bible study one morning.
Sally was sleeping in front of Johnny.

The teacher asks Sally who our Lord and savior was.

Little Johnny pokes her in the arse
with a pin and she yells,
"Jesus Christ!"
And falls back to sleep.

A little while later the teacher asks Sally who created our world.

Johnny poked her in the arse again with a pin and she screams
"my God!"
And falls back to sleep.

Later the teacher asks Sally what Eve said to
Adam after they had their fourth child.

Johnny pokes her in the arse with the pin again
and Sally screams,
"If you stick that thing in me one more time
I'm gonna break it in half !"

The teacher faints.


*****



To start a zoo, you need at least
two pandas, a grizzly and three polars.
That's the bear minimum.



*****


A Polish man goes to the USA for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows an eye chart that reads:

CZWXNQSTAZKY.

The Doctor asks,
"Can you read this?"

The Polish man replies,
"Not only can I read it.
I even know the guy,
he’s my cousin."

*****



A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed
to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven,
he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?"
he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter.
Mohammed is higher up."

And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.

Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter,
he climbs the ladder in great strides,
climbs through the clouds,
coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.

He asks again,
"Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."

Exhausted,
but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder
and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room
where he meets another man with a beard.

Full of hope, he asks again,
"Are you Mohammed?"

"No, I am Jesus...
You will find Mohammed higher up."

Mohammed higher than Jesus!

The poor man can hardly contain his delight
and climbs and climbs, ever higher.

Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets
a man with a beard and repeats his question:

"Are you Mohammed?"
he gasps as he is, by now,
totally out of breath from all his climbing.

"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted.
Would you like a coffee?"

"Yes, please!" said the man.

God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"Hey Mohammed, two coffees!
Make it snappy!"

**********



A drug lord learns that one of his most trusted crew members
has skimmed off nearly $500K in cash from his drug operation.

Donnie, the crewman is completely deaf, which was the reason
he got the job in the first place. The boss assumed he would
overhear nothing and so he would never be able to testify in court.

When the boss goes to confront Donnie about his missing money,
he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language.

He tells the lawyer,
"Ask him where my money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks ,
"Where's the money?"

Donnie signs back,
"I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the drug lord,
"He says he doesn't know what you are talking about?"

The drug lord pulls out a pistol,
puts it to the Donnie's head and says,
"Ask him again. And this time make it
clear if he doesn't tell me I'll kill him
right here and now!"

The lawyer signs to Donnie once more,
"He's gonna kill you if you don't tell him
where the money is right now."

Donnie looks into the boss's eyes and
sees no way out. Out of options and out of time
he reluctantly signs back,
"OK! You win! The money is in a waterproof satchel,
buried behind my cousin Pablo's cabin."

The boss raises an eyebrow and asks the lawyer,
"What did he say?"

The lawyer replies,
"He says you don't have the guts to pull the  trigger."


**********


A man escapes from a prison where he had
been for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money
and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the girl to the bed,
he gets on top of her,
kisses her neck,
then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he was gone,
the husband tells his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict,
look at his clothes!
He probably spent lots of time in jail
and has not seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck.
If he wants s3x, don't complain,
don't resist, and do whatever he tells you.
Satisfy him no matter how much he
disgusts you.
This guy is probably very dangerous.
If he gets angry, he would kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you. "

His wife responds,
"He wasn't kissing my neck.
He was whispering in my ear.
He told me he was gay,
thought you were cute,
and asked me if we had any Vaseline.
I told him, it is in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too!"




**********



As a drunk man is walking home from the bar

He gets sick,
leans against a wall and pukes.
Some of it gets on his shirt and
now the man worries that his wife
will know he was a drunk mess tonight.

But then he gets a bright idea and
puts $20 in his shirt pocket.

When he arrives home his wife
looks at him and says,
"look at you! did you puke on yourself?
Now take off your close and ill wash them,
why is there $20 in your shirt pocket?

"He tells her,
"Well honey actually a passerby accidentally
puked on me and he felt so bad that he gave
me $20 for the dry cleaning."

"That was nice of him,
and why is there $50 in your pants pocket?"

"Because he also shlt in my pants too."