English Weather
The Archbishop of Canterbury and
The Royal Commission for Political Correctness announced today
that the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as English Weather.
Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it will now be referred to as: 'Muslim Weather'.
(Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)
******************************
Smuggler
Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle.
He has two large bags over his shoulders.
The guard stops him and says, "What Ãs in the bags?"
"Sand", answered Juan.
The guard says, "We’ll just see about that. Get off the bike."
The guard takes the bags and rips them apart; he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.
He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but sand in the bags
The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the man's shoulders, and lets him cross the border.
A week later, the same thing happens.
The guard asks, "What have you got?"
"Sand," says Juan.
The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand.
He gives the sand back to Juan, And Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.
This sequence of events is repeated every day for three years.
Finally, Juan doesn't show up one day and the guard meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.
"Hola, amigo", says the guard, "I know you are smuggling something. It’s driving me crazy. Its all I think about.. I can’t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?"
Juan sips his beer and says,
“Bicycles.â€
****************************
In the Hospital
An old man was in the hospital hooked up to
all kinds of gadgets when a nurse came in
to check on his machinery and condition.
Through his oxygen mask he said,"Are my
testicals black?"
She thought that was odd,but being a professional she lifted the sheet and with
one hand holding his junk, hoisted his
testicals to have a look.
She put everything back in place and
reported to the old guy,"No sir your testicals
are just fine."
The old man pulled his oxygen mask to the
side and said,"Lady I appreciate the feel up,
but I ask you if my test results were back!"
The Date
Joe took his blind date to the carnival.
"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked
Joe.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
They ambled over to the weight guesser. He
guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale;
it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the ferris wheel.
When the ride was over, Joe again asked
Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed, "she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the
blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
**************************
The Doctor's Convention!
There's a bunch of doctors gathered together at a doctor's convention one night.
A male doctor notices a female doctor from
across the room.
The female doctor notices also and the next
thing you know, they're sitting next to each
other by the end of dinner.
After dinner, the male asks the woman if she wants to go up to his hotel room.
''Sure,'' the woman says. ''Let me go wash
my hands first.''
After she washes her hands, they have sex.
After they are finished, she washes her
hands again.
This is really starting to annoy the male doctor so he says, ''You know, you must be a surgeon, because you keep washing your hands.
'' Angry at this remark, the woman says, ''Well, you must be an anesthesiologist, because I didn't feel a thing!''
************************
Happy 100th Birthday Grandma!
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she
could write notes when she needed to
communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma
started leaning off to the right, so some
family members grabbed her, straightened
her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and
stuffed pillows on her left.
Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
A nephew who arrived late came running up
to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're
looking good! How are they treating you?"
Grandma took out her little notepad and
slowly wrote a note to the nephew,
"They won't let me fart!!"
**********************
CanYou Believe It?
The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there.
One finally ran up, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General was very skeptical about this
explanation, but at least he was here so he
let the G.I. go.
Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."
The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.
A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily.
"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."
"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it
broke down."
"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them!!"
Billy - The Simple Farm Hand
An old farm hand named Billy was overseeing his herd in a remote pasture in the outback when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and
YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked
the old man...
"If I tell you exactly how many cows and
calves you have in your herd, will you give
me a calf?"
Billy looks at the young man, who obviously
is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully
grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure,
why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his
Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to
a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The yuppie then opens the digital photo in
Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an
image processing facility in Hamburg,
Germany .....
Within seconds, he receives an email on his
Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses an MS-SQL® database
through an ODBC connected Excel®
spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry®
and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page
report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP
LaserJet® printer, turns to Billy and says...
"You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, you'll be helpin yourself to one of me calves, then, since you won it fair
en square." says Billy.
He watches the smartly dressed yuppie select one of the animals and looks on with
amusement as the man gingerly picks it up
and stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
As the yuppie is carefully brushing the dust
and hair off his suit...
Billy says, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what
work you do and where you come from, will
you give me back my calf?"
The yuppie thinks about it for a second,
wondering what this wrinkled up dirt
encrusted uneducated old man could
possibly know?
He grins and then says, "Okay, old fella, why not? I'm a believer in fair play."
"You're a politician and you work in Canberra." says the old timer.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but,
tell me how on earth did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Billy "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked.
You used millions of dollars worth of
equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter."
"This is a herd of sheep!"
"Now give me back my dog!!!"
AND THAT FOLKS IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS ALL ABOUT.
That's funny stuff guys. Hey Pops, you started this thread. You mentioned posting funny jokes, pictures, cartoons etc., Â but you didn't mention videos. I'm posting a video. if it's against this threads rules............. I don't care!! Â :-p
I found this on the Internet... Johnny Carson doing a Ronald Reagan impersonation..
"Wu is on the phone"
A blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says:
Two Brazilian men have died in a skydiving
accident.
The blonde starts sobbing,"Thats horrible!
So many men dying that way!"
Confused, he says, "Yes, dear, it is sad, but
they were skydiving, and there is always
that risk involved."
After a minute, the blonde, still sobbing, says,
"Wat a minute,how many is a brazilian?"
*******************************
The Chilli story Warning - If you can read this whole story without laughing out loud, then there's no hope for you.
Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If
you pay attention to the first two judges, the
reaction of the third judge is even better. For those of you who have lived in Texas,
you know how true this is. The notes are
from an inexperienced chilli taster named
Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.
Frank: "Recently, I was honoured to be
selected as a judge at a chilli cook-off. The
original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (native Texans) that the chilli wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the advent: (Frank is Judge #3)
Chilli # 1 Eddie's Maniac Monster Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavour.
Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy shit! What the hell
is this stuff?! You could remove dried paint
from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put out the flames. I hope that's the worst
one. These Texans are crazy.
Chilli # 2 Austin's Afterburner Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavour; needs
more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of
children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to
taste besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chilli # 3 Ronny's Famous Burn Down the
Barn Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great
kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a
uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been
snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine
by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my
backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer...
Chilli # 4 Dave's Black Magic...
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish, or other mild foods;
not much of a chilli.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across
my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it
possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh
refills. That 300-lb. woman is starting to look
HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
Chilli # 5 Lisa's Legal Lip Remover...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is
pouring off my forehead and I can no longer
focus my eyes. I farted and four people
behind me needed paramedics. The
contestant seemed offended when I told her
that her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really
pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
Chilli # 6 Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety
chilli. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet.. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a
straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric
flames. I sh*t on myself when I farted and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No
one seems inclined to stand behind me
except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my a** with a snow cone.
Chilli # 7 Carla's Screaming Sensation
Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef
literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at
the last moment. I should take note that I am
worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be
in a bit of distress, as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my
mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a
thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4- inch hole in my stomach.
Chilli # 8 Karen's Toenail Curling Chilli...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chilli. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good,
balanced chilli. Neither mild, nor hot. Sorry
to see that most of it was lost when Judge #
3 farted, passed out, fell over, and pulled the
chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure if
he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chilli?
note: ..It's really that hot!!
Quotable quotes on Women:
When a man steals your wife, there is no
better revenge than to let him keep her.
David Bissonette
After marriage, husband and wife become
two sides of a coin; they just can't face each
other, but still they stay together.
Sacha Guitry
By all means marry. If you get a good wife,
you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll
become a philosopher.
Socrates
Woman inspires us to great things, and
prevents us from achieving them.
Anonymous
The great question... which I have not been
able to answer... is, "What does a woman
want?"
Dumas
I had some words with my wife, and she had
some paragraphs with me.
Sigmund Freud
Some people ask the secret of our long
marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant
two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner,
soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
Anonymous
There's a way of transferring funds that is
even faster than electronic banking.
It's called marriage.
Sam Kinison
'I've had bad luck with both my wives.
The first one left me, and the second one
didn't.'
James Holt McGavra
Two secrets to keep your marriage
brimming
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
Patrick Murra
The most effective way to remember your
wife's birthday is to forget it once....
Nash
You know what I did before I married?
Anything I wanted to.
Anonymous
My wife and I were happy for twenty years.
Then we met.
Henny Youngman
A good wife always forgives her husband
when she's wrong.
Rodney Dangerfield
A man inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Wife wanted'. Next day he received a
hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have
mine.'
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy: 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Anonymous
i did like the chilli one. great wit.
I was offered sex today from a 21 yr old girl. All In exchange for that, allI had to do was was advertise some kind of new cleaner to all of my friends. Oh coarse I refused, because I'm a guy with high moral standards and with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajax the super strong bathroom cleaner, now in lemon and vanilla scents.
*************************
>>>> There is a medical distinction between
Guts and Balls.
>>>> We've heard colleagues referring to
people with Guts, or with Balls.
>>>> Do they, however, know the difference
between them?
>>>> Heres the official distinction; straight
from the British Medical Journal: Volume
323; page 295.
>>>>
>>>> GUTS - Is arriving home late, after a
night out with the lads, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to
ask: Are you still cleaning, or are you flying
somewhere?
>>>>
>>>> BALLS - Is coming home late after a
night out with the lads, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the bum and having the Balls to
say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
>>>>
>>>> I trust this clears up any confusion.
>>>> >>>> Medically speaking, there is no
difference in outcome; both are fatal.