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Three men - an American, a Japanese and an Irishman -
were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and
the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly.

"That was my pager," he said.
"I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear.
When he finished, he explained,
"That was my mobile phone.
I have a microchip in my hand."

The Irishman felt decidedly low tech and,
not wanting to be outdone, he decided he had
to do something just as impressive.

He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.

He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his arse.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.

The Irishman finally said,
"Well, will you look at that.
I'm getting a fax."

*** True Story ***

Some years ago, I had several big dogs, Newfoundland ...
They got older and finally started to pass on..
My favorite (Bear) was the last one, I took him up to the woods
to bury him.

Before I left, I went to the local hardware store (Handy Dan at that time)
and went to get a shovel. This college level guy asked if I needed some help...
I couldn't resist ..

I said, "Yes, do you have shovels, I mean a good shovel. One that the handle
won't just break off easy."
He said, "Yes, they are ...."
I said, "Just show me."

He took me a few isles over and showed them to me and I went through them
checking the weight and handle strength. I picked out the fiberglass handled one and
instantly asked him if they carried the big garbage bags. The really thick kind and big.
I said, "They ones big enough to, let's say, put a person in size and thick enough
that say, fingers couldn't just poke through so easily?"

He said, "They are on .... "
I cut him off and said, "Just show me."

A couple of isles over, he showed me where they were.
I picked out a huge lawn and leaf bag, extra thick, took one out and held it
up by my side to see how big it was ... It was a big bag...

Then I asked him where the duct tape was.
He just said come with me, they're over here...

I picked up a big roll and instantly turned to him and asked,
"Do y'all carry lime? You know to cover smell?"

He said that it was on the other end of the store on isle (some number)
and he couldn't go out of his dept.

I siad, "Okay" and when I started to walk off, I turned and looked
right at him and said,
"If anybody ever asked you about this, we never had this conversation."

And went on and got the lime...
I didn't go back there till Handy Dan was sold ...

I often wondered if he ever told anyone about that day ...

Court Room Conversations

A collection of some of the most hilarious / stupidest court-room
conversations ever. Definitely worth the read.
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word,
taken down and now published by court reporters who had the
torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
-------------------------------


ATTORNEY:
Are you sexually active?

WITNESS:
No, I just lie there.


________________________________


ATTORNEY:
What is your date of birth?

WITNESS:
July 18th.

ATTORNEY:
What year?

WITNESS:
Every year.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY:
What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS:
Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS:
Yes.

ATTORNEY:
And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS:
I forget.

ATTORNEY:
You forget?
Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY:
How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS:
Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY:
How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS:
Forty-five years.

_____________________________________


ATTORNEY:
What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS:
He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY:
And why did that upset you?

WITNESS:
My name is Susan.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS:
We both do.

ATTORNEY:
Voodoo?

WITNESS:
We do.

ATTORNEY:
You do?

WITNESS:
Yes, voodoo.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS:
Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____________________________________


ATTORNEY:
The youngest son, the twenty year old,
how old is he?

WITNESS:
Uh, he's twenty.

________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS:
Would you repeat the question?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS:
Yes.

ATTORNEY:
And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS:
Uh....

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
She had three children, right?

WITNESS:
Yes.

ATTORNEY:
How many were boys?

WITNESS:
None.

ATTORNEY:
Were there any girls?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS:
By death.

ATTORNEY:
And by whose death was it terminated?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS:
He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY:
Was this a male or a female?

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS:
No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Doctor, how many of your autopsies
have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS:
All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?
What school did you go to?

WITNESS:
Oral.

______________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS:
The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY:
And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS:
No, he was sitting on the table wondering
why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____________________________________________


ATTORNEY:
Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS:
Huh?

____________________________________________


And the best for last:


ATTORNEY:
Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS:
No.

ATTORNEY:
Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS:
No.

ATTORNEY:
Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS:
No.

ATTORNEY:
So, then it is possible that the patient
was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS:
No.

ATTORNEY:
How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS:
Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY:
But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS:
Yes, it is possible that he could have
been alive and practicing law.

Shorts #01



Girl in the Bar



I got chatting with a girl in a bar last night,

"Can I buy you a drink?"
I asked.

"Don't you have a girlfriend?"
she replied,
"Guys like you always have girlfriends."

"No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago."
I assured her.

"Oh I'm sorry to hear that,"
she said,
"Go on then, I'll have a Cider please."

A few drinks later after a kiss
and a cuddle we headed off back
to her place and made passionate love.

While I was putting my clothes back on,

She said,
"So, you're good looking, a nice guy and
amazing in bed,
can I ask why on earth you split
with your girlfriend?"

I said,
"My wife found out."



*****

25th
Wedding Anniversary



A couple celebrate their 25th
wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

They walk up to the front desk to check-in.


Receptionist,
"Hello, how can I help you?"

The husband holding his wife's hand,
"I would like your most beautiful room please."

Receptionist,
"Sure! For how long would you like to stay?"

The Husband,
"1 night please."

Receptionist,
"One whole night?!"

The receptionist looks and smiles
at the wife and says,
"Wow, you are lucky!
Usually this man only books for an hour!"



(and that's when the fight started)



*****


Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today,
an individual later discovered to be a
public school teacher was arrested
trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor,
a set square and a calculator.
Authorities believe he is a member of
the notorious al-Gebra movement.

He is being charged with
carrying weapons of math instruction.

Shorts #02



A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender asks him,
"So, what have you been up to lately?"

"Well, I recently set up a dating website for chickens,"
the guy tells him.

"I mean, its not my main job ...
I'm just doing it to make hens meet."


*****

Last night I slept like a baby.
Pooped my pants and woke up crying.


*****

What is the most difficult animal to hunt in Africa?
The Polar bear.

*****

What is the opposite of a croissant?
A happy uncle.


*****

Have you seen the movie:
“Constipated”?

No?
Well, it hasn’t come out yet


*****

Where is the best place to go if you want to watch people
with art degrees while they're working?
Wal-mart



*****

How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A Buccaneer


*****



THIS JUST IN:

It's been reported that somebody made a hole in
the fence surrounding the nudist colony.

Police are looking into it .



*****


Why did Canada the leper hockey league?
There were too many faces off.


*****

Why do Canadians do it doggy-style?
So they both can watch the hockey game.

Everyone in town loved old Roger.

He was a friendly and jovial man, always wearing a
big smile and treating his customers like they were family.

Roger was a woodworker by trade,
specializing in ornate picture frames.
Everyone who knew him would agree that he was
an expert in his field, perhaps even a gifted prodigy,
and he had over fifty years experience.

After working his woodcraft every morning,
he would take a break in the afternoon and sit out on the
porch in front of his store,
Abbott's Framing,
which was passed on to him by his father before him,
and made small talk with all the townsfolk as they came
and went about their days.

Well, suddenly old Roger passed away one day,
and the whole town turned out for his funeral.

His casket was adorned with wreaths and bouquets,
with a large centerpiece; a photograph showcasing
his big friendly smile.

The widowed Mrs. Abbott spoke a eulogy,
but then as she turned to leave,
became fixated on the photograph display
and began inspecting it.

The pastor noticed and walked over to her.

"Pastor," she said,
"I have noticed that this picture frame is of high quality,
but I immediately could tell that it isn't my husband's work."

"You're right!" said the pastor.
"I suppose it makes sense that he wouldn't have
made the frame for his own funeral photograph,
but now it begs the question.."

He turned to the funeral congregation.

"Who framed Roger Abbott?"