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The Mother-N-Law

There was a married couple who were in a terrible accident.
The woman’s face was burned severely. The doctor told the husband
they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was so skinny.

The husband then donated some of his skin.

However,the only place suitable to the doctor was from his buttocks.

The husband requested that no one be told of this, because after all
this was a very delicate matter!

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty.

She looked more beautiful than she ever did before!
All her friends and relatives just raved about her youthful beauty!

She was alone with her husband one day and she wanted to thank him
for what he had done.

She said,
“Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me!
There is no way I could ever repay you!”

He replied,
“Oh don’t worry, Honey, I get plenty of thanks every time your
mother comes over and kisses you on your cheek!”


**********



The Mechanic


A Lexus mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a LS460 when he
spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the
service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked
"So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out,
repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in,
and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year
and you make $1.7M, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic
"Try doing it with the engine running".


**********


A large group of Russian soldiers in the border area in 1939 are moving down a road when
they hear a voice call from behind a small hill

"One Finnish soldier is better than ten Russian".

The Russian commander quickly orders 10 of his best men over the hill whereupon a
gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence.

The voice once again calls out:
"One Finn is better than one hundred Russian".

Furious, the Russian commander sends his next best 100 troops over the hill
and instantly a huge gun fight commences.
After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.

The calm Finnish voice calls out again:
"One Finn is better than one thousand Russians".

The enraged Russian commander musters 1000 fighters and sends them
to the other side of the hill. Rifle fire, machine guns, grenades, rockets
and cannon fire ring out as a terrible battle is fought.

And then silence.

Eventually one badly wounded Russian fighter crawls back over the hill and with his
dying words tells his commander "Don't send any more men...
it's a trap. There's two of them".


**********


Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success.
Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan.

They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the
costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, put on their outfit and
began to give the moose love call.

Before long their call was answered as a bull came crashing
out of the forest and into the clearing.

When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said,
“Okay, let’s get out and get him.”

After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted,
“The zipper is stuck!

What are we going to do!?”

The guy in the front says,
“Well, I’m going to start nibbling grass,
but you’d better brace yourself.”



**********


Oh Those Irish Lads


What type of lawn furniture is only used on St. Patrick’s Day?   
Paddy O’Furniture.

**********


Mick is walking down the street when he sees Paddy running behind a bus
“Oi, Paddy! Why’re you running behind that bus?”
“Well I’ve got to pay if I get on it!”

**********

I’ve just seen Paddy in the local newsagent and one of his shoelaces was undone, so I said,
“Watch out you don’t trip up over your laces, Paddy.”

Paddy says,
“Yeah, it’s these bloody instructions.”

I said,
“What instructions, Paddy?”

Paddy says,
“Underneath the shoe, it says ‘Taiwan’.”


**********

Once a man in the mafia, was tasked with killing another man.
He ended up killing him with a porcelain doll in a rice paddy.
It was the first known case of a knick knack paddy whack.


**********

I said to my spouse,
"These McNag burgers give me the 'trots'" ( in reference
to McDonalds having chosen to use horse meat over local cattle products.)

Without hesitation, she came back to me with:
"To beef or not to beef, that is equestrian"

**********

A cow walks into a bar.
Barman says,
"Why the long face?

Cow says
"Illegal ingredients are coming over here stealing our jobs!”

**********

What do you call kids born in houses of ill repute?
Brothel sprouts.


**********


What was Adam and Eve’s biggest problem during their marriage?
They could never agree on who wore the plants in the family.

**********

“Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.”


**********

Two men are sitting in a sauna after a workout.

“I’ll be honest, my wife really is an angel.”

“You’re lucky,”
the second man answers, wiping the sweat from his brow.
“My wife is still alive.”