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A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife,
"You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.


"From now on when I say Bell 1 ,
I want you to strip naked.

When l say Bell 2,
I want you to jump in bed.

And when I say Bell 3,
we are going to make love all night."

The next night he came home from work and yelled,
"Bell 1 !"

The wife promptly took all her clothes off.

When he yelled "Bell 2"
the wife jumped into bed.

When he yelled "Bell 3"
they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled.
"Bell 4" !

What the hell is "Bell 4" ?,
asked the husband.

"Roll out more hose" ! she replied.
"you're nowhere near the fire !"

It does make you wonder


They're not happy in Gaza ...
They're not happy in Egypt ...
They're not happy in Libya ...
They're not happy in Morocco ...
They're not happy in Iran ...
They're not happy in Iraq ...
They're not happy in Yemen ...
They're not happy in Afghanistan ...
They're not happy in Pakistan ...
They're not happy in Syria ...
They're not happy in Lebanon ...



SO..
WHERE ARE THEY HAPPY?



They're happy in Australia ...
They're happy in Canada ...
They're happy in England ...
They're happy in France ...
They're happy in Italy ...
They're happy in Germany ...
They're happy in Sweden ...
They're happy in the USA ...
They're happy in Norway ...
They're happy in Holland ...
They're happy in Denmark ...


Basically, they're happy in every country that is not Muslim
and unhappy in every country that is!



AND WHO DO THEY BLAME?

Not Islam.
Not their leadership.
Not themselves.


THEY BLAME THE COUNTRIES THEY ARE HAPPY IN!

AND THEN -

They want to change those countries to be like,
THE COUNTRY THEY CAME FROM WHERE THEY WERE UNHAPPY!


Excuse me, but I can't help wondering ...

How frigging dumb can you get?
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim Terrorists
are so quick to commit suicide.

Let's have a look at the evidence:


- No Christmas

- No television

- No nude women

- No football

- No pork chops

- No hot dogs

- No burgers

- No beer

- No bacon

- Rags for clothes

- Towels for hats

- Constant wailing from some guy in a tower

- More than one wife

- More than one mother-in-law

- You can't shave

- Your wife can't shave either

- You can't wash off the smell of donkeys

- You cook over burning camel dung

- Your wife is picked by someone else for you

- and your wife smells worse than your donkey

Then they tell them that
"when they die, it all gets better" ???



Well No Shoote Sherlock! ...



It's not like it could get much worse!


Just sayin...

Today, I shocked the hell out of the postman
by opening the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what surprised him most:
my nudity, or the fact that I know where he lives.



**********


Pam Ayres?
Well, she's 73 and still going strong.


This is her latest ode to coronavirus…


I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the virus here
We can't go out the gates.

You see, we are the 'oldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
They'll think we've upped and died.

They'll never know the things we did
Before we got this old
There wasn't any Facebook
So not everything was told.

We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be uncouth
But we grew up in the 60s -
If you only knew the truth!

There was sex and drugs and rock 'n roll
The pill and miniskirts
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrageous flirts.

Then we settled down, got married
And turned into someone's mum,
Somebody's wife, then nana,
Who on earth did we become?

We didn't mind the change of pace
Because our lives were full
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!

So here you find me stuck inside
For four weeks, maybe more
I finally found myself again
Then I had to close the door!

It didn’t really bother me
I'd while away the hour
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!

Now Netflix is just wonderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy killer.

At least I've got a stash of booze
For when I'm being idle
There's wine and whiskey, even gin
If I'm feeling suicidal!

So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful virus
Doesn't decimate our wealth.

We'll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Just hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the flaming gates!

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was broken.
So, I asked my wife if she would go to the hardware store and pick up a hinge.

While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer,
her eye caught sight of two beautiful bathroom faucets.
One for the sink and one for the bath tub.

When the manager was finished, Helen asked him
"How much are those faucets?"

The manager replied
"They are gold plated faucets and very expensive.
The price for both is $5,000".

Helen exclaimed
"My goodness, they are really expensive - certainly
out of my price range!"

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and it was $3.49,
then he went into the to get one.

From the backroom the manager yelled.
"Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Helen shouted back
"No, but I will for the faucets".

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.

"Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem ?"
the doctor inquired.

"Well I'm thirty-five years old and I still have no luck with
the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem.
"Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror.
Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person.
But, say it with real conviction !
Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited.

Three weeks later be returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.

"My advice not work?"
asked the doctor.

"Doc, it worked, all right.
For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best
moments in my life with the most fabulous-looking women!"

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem", the man replied.
"My wife does."


**********



A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and at gun point told the man to hand over the
jewelry and money now!

The man started sobbing and said
"Brother, you can take anything you want,
but please untie the rope and free her".

The thief says
"You must really love your wife!"

The man replied
"No, she is my neighbor's wife,
mine will be home any second!"



**********


On a visit to London, an Australian applied for a job as a royal footman.

Armed with his references from his previous job,
he went along to the interview, where he was asked to drop his trousers.

Seeing the Australian’s puzzled expression, the interviewer explained:
"Don’t worry, it’s merely a formality.
You see, footmen are often required to wear kilts when
accompanying the Queen to Balmoral,
so we like to examine the knees of applicants to
check for any unsightly scars."

The Aussie duly dropped his trousers to allow his knees to be inspected.

"Excellent,"
said the interviewer.
"Now could you show me your testimonials?"

Thirty seconds later, the Aussie found himself lying in the corridor,
nursing a black eye.


As he was  picking himself up and dusting himself off he said,
"I reckon I’d have got that job if I’d known the lingo a little better."