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Ricky Gervais
at the Golden Globes 2020
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Your Neighbor Dog is Pregnant
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A Texas Chili Cook-Off

If you can read this whole story without laughing,
then there’s no hope for you. I was crying by the end.
This is an actual account as relayed to paramedics at
a chili cook-off in Texas.


Frank,
“Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a
chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the
judge’s table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck,
when the call came in… I was assured by the other
two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all
that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer
during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.”

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
Judge #3 is Frank


CHILI # 1
MIKE’S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI

Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor.
Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) — Holy crap, what the hell is
this stuff? You could remove dried paint from
your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that’s the worst one.
These Texans are crazy.


CHILI # 2
RANCH HOUSE AFTERBURNER CHILI

Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork.
Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQflavor, needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.

Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children.
I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me
the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.


CHILI # 3
JOE'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili.
Great kick.

Judge # 2 — A bit salty,
good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill.
My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back,
now my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
I’m getting red-faced from all of the beer.


CHILI # 4
BUBBA’S BLACK MAGIC

Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice.
Disappointing.

Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans.
Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue,
but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out
taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind
me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. Woman is starting
to look HOT … Just like this nuclear waste I’m eating!
Is chili an aphrodisiac?


CHILI # 5
LISA’S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick.
Very impressive.

Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato.
Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant
seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given
me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher.
I wonder if I’m burning my lips off. It really ticks me off
that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.


CHILI # 6 
VERA’S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.
Good balance of spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, garlic. Superb.

Judge # 3 — My intestines are now a straight pipe filled
with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself
when I farted, and I’m worried it will eat through the
chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that Sally. Can’t feel my lips anymore.
I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.


CHILI # 7
SUSAN’S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance
on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin,
and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out
of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt.
At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed me.
I’ve decided to stop breathing. It’s too painful.
I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air,
I’ll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.


CHILI # 8
TAMMY'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI

Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili.
Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili.
Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was
lost when Judge # 3 farted, passed out, fell over and
pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure
if he’s going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how he’d
have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 — No report.


***EMTs say Frank should be okay in a few days

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