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Bert, age 80, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly,
he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?

Margaret, who is 75, looked him over.
"Nope."

Frustrated,
Bert stormed off into the bathroom,
undressed and walked back into the kitchen
completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret,
a little louder this time.
"Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan,
"Bert, what's different?
It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday,
it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled,
"AND DO YOU KNOW WHY
IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue",
she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE
IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied,
"Shoulda bought a hat, Bert ...
You should'a bought a hat!

Those Forgotten Phrases of Yesterday


Mergatroyd!
Do you remember that word?
Would you believe the spell-checker did not recognize
the word Mergatroyd?
Heavens to Mergatroyd!

The other day a not so elderly (I say 75) lady said something
to her son about driving a Jalopy;
and he looked at her quizzically and said,
"What the heck is a Jalopy?"
He had never heard of the word jalopy!
She knew she was old ...
But not that old.

Well, I hope you are Hunky Dory
after you read this and chuckle.

Don't touch that dial;
Carbon copy;
You sound like a broken record;
and Hung out to dry.
Back in the olden days we had a lot of moxie .
We'd put on our best bib and tucker ,
to straighten up and fly right.

Heavens to Betsy!
Gee whillikers!
Jumping Jehoshaphat!
Holy Moley!

We were in like Flynn and
living the life of Riley;
and even a regular guy couldn't accuse us
of being a knucklehead,
a nincompoop or a pill.
Not for all the tea in China!

Back in the olden days,
life used to be swell,
but when's the last time anything was swell?
Swell has gone the way of beehives,
pageboys and the D.A.;
of spats, knickers, fedoras, poodle skirts,
saddle shoes, and pedal pushers.

Oh, my aching back!
Kilroy was here,
but he isn't anymore.

We wake up from what surely has been just a short nap,
and before we can say, "Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle!"
Or, "This is a fine kettle of fish!"
We discover that the words we grew up with,
the words that seemed omnipresent, as oxygen,
have vanished with scarcely a notice from our tongues
and our pens and our keyboards.

Poof, go the words of our youth,
the words we've left behind.
We blink, and they're gone.

Where have all those great phrases gone?

Pshaw
The milkman did it
Hey! It's your nickel
Don't forget to pull the chain
Knee high to a grasshopper
Well, Fiddlesticks!
Going like sixty
I'll see you in the funny papers
Don't take any wooden nickels
Wake up and smell the roses


It turns out there are more of these lost words
and expressions than Carter has liver pills.
This can be disturbing stuff!
(Carter's Little Liver Pills are gone too!)

Leaves us to wonder where
Superman will find a phone booth?

See ya later, alligator!
After awhile crocodile !
Okidoki.

You'll notice they left out
"Monkey Business"!!!


*****


My Grandpa has acquired a
trick for meeting new people.
He's got Alzheimer's



*****

My girlfriend asked me what I was
doing on the computer.

I said,
"Looking for cheap flights."

She got very exited and said,
"I love you!!"

Then got on her knees and
gave me the best job I've ever had!

Which surprised me as she's never
been interested in darts before.



*****

Whoremembers

If you initially read that as 'wh0re members',
well, we're probably already friends.
Who remembers


*****

A girl once asked me if I was a
breast or legs guy.

I told her I was more into an@l and feet.
Now I’m banned from KFC.


*****

Guy goes to the doctor for a pain in his a$$.

Tells the doctor,
"Doc I've got some pain right by
the entrance of my a$$hole"

Doc replies,
"Long as u call it an entrance
its gonna hurt"


*****

An old man and a young women in an elevator

The young woman says,
"TGIF"

The old man says,
"Shit"

The young woman says,
"TGIF!"

Again the old man lowers his head and says,
"Shit"

The young woman says,
"Thank God it's FRIDAY!"

The old man,
"Sorry honey it's Thursday"

*****

What's the difference between a
Scotsman and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones would yell,
'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"

But a Scotsman would yell,
'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'



*****

My girlfriend is trying to
convince me she doesn’t poop.
I think she’s full of crap.


*****

I feel like my girlfriend and I don’t speak
the same language sometimes.

I say we have a “long distance relationship.”
She says I have a “restraining order.”

*****

I just found out my neighborhood barber
was arrested for dealing drugs!
I've been his customer for 25 years
and I never knew he was a barber.


*****

Pizza jokes are tough…
Because it’s all about the delivery!!


*****

Smoking will kill you.
Bacon will kill you…
But smoking bacon will cure it.


*****

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself
scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it
hidden in her bedside drawer.


*****



Three sheep are in a meadow

The first one says,
“baaa”

The second one says,
“baaa”

The third says,
“moo”

The first one says,
“What did you say!?”

The third one says,
“Sorry. I’m currently studying
a foreign language.”


*****

After my ex died, I couldn’t shower alone for 10 years
But I’m out of prison now


*****


Three nuns die and go to Heaven...


The nuns walk up to the Pearly Gates and
are greeted by St. Peter.

"Hello ladies. In order to get into Heaven
you have one final task. You all must answer
one question each to enter the
Holy Gates of Heaven."

The nuns each looked at each other
and nodded in agreement.

Nun #1 steps up preparing herself for the
question she has to answer for eternal life.

St. Peter asks the first nun,
"Who was the first man on the earth?"

Nun #1 answers,
"Adam, of course."

Bells rang, Angels sang,
and the gates of Heaven open.

She walks through and they close behind her.

Nun #2 steps up and says,
"Ok, I am ready."

St. Peter asks,
"Who was the first woman on earth?"

Nun #2 hides a small chuckle,
in disbelief of the simple question,
"Eve was the first woman on the earth."

Bells rang, Angels sang,
and the gates of Heaven open.

She passes through the gates and they close.

Nun #3 prepared herself for the question
to follow her sisters to everlasting life.

St. Peter cleared his throat and asks,
"What was Eve's first thought the first time
she saw Adam naked?"

Nun #3 pauses.
Thinks for a while.

Perplexed, she thinks out loud,
"Hmmm, that's a hard one..."

The Bells rang, Angels sang,
and the gates of Heaven open.